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King David was “The Man!”

borrowed from lightofthegentiles.com

When the ark of the covenant was finally brought back to Israel, King David was overjoyed. He was so filled with a spirit to worship, and praise to God, that he danced before the ark with no regard for who was watching. This is one of the reasons he was called a man after God’s own heart. Then his wife Michal came in. She “despised him in her heart,” the Bible says, she was filled with contempt for him because she considered his actions dishonoring and shameful for a man of his position (remember I said don’t allow others to intimidate your decisions based on their disillusions of what a man should be). David told her, “It was before the Lord, who chose me above your father and above all his house, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord – and I will celebrate before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in your eyes…” (2 Samuel 6:22)

David’s desire to honor God was very apparent in his worship, but he too needed a wake-up call in parenting. And God certainly got his attention, and I believe this history is written in the scriptures to get our attention as well.

Absalom, David’s first born, killed his half-brother, because he raped their sister, then de-throned his father making David flee. His second born, Adonijah, also set himself up as king and I Kings 1:6 specifically says “His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, ‘why have you don’t thus and so?’” If it is unclear to you at this point, this is not good parenting.

However, when we see Solomon being born, II Samuel 12:25 records that David not only named him Solomon, but also Jedidiah which means beloved of the Lord (nick-names!).  David’s intentionality with Solomon and passing down his love for the Lord, and his plans for Solomon’s life was in accordance with what God was teaching the children of Israel in, “You shall teach them (God’s commands) diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lied down, and when you rise,” (Deuteronomy 6:7).

I want to commend this verse to you as well, because knowing how the creator of life intended life to be used, is the best information you can get …and it sits as the second-best thing you can give your children.

The best thing you can give you children, is the training to apply the truths within God’s word. I know that sounds backwards, you have to know them to apply them, but my point is don’t you dare stop short with simply knowing the information!  Let the it drive you to action, bold action!

My girls and I write notes back and forth… look at the vernacular and the reference to the Truth from her hand (right side).

What Kind of “Man” Are You?

 

If you’ve been following encouragingdad.com for a while you’ll understand that the title question doesn’t mean what is your occupation, or can you sculpt a coffee table with your bare hands… so when I ask the question what kind of man are you, the operative word is: KIND.  What type? what sort? what characteristics do others use to describe you?

Personally, when I used to try to answer this question my answer used to be, “Not the one I want to be, for my children’s sake.”  The great thing is you have the ability to make choices… and you can choose to change your expressions to be the sort/type/kind of man your kids need.  Sometimes it will seem like the picture at the top of the page, chipping away at the self-oriented lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to, but often that is the point.  Just remember that to carve a beautiful sculpture there will be some shavings on the floor.  This is my story… the process of training my children began with reorganizing, me and my choices.  I was fortunate. I was given the grace to see this reality early in life:

A girl looks for a man like her father, because he (good or bad) is her first understanding of what love is supposed to be.

For me the realization of that concept was terrifying!   What kind of thoughts does this conjure up for you?  Are you comfortable with that thought? or do you are you thinking things more like these:

  • “I’m not a good example of what a man should be”
  • “I make so many mistakes”
  • “I didn’t have a good role model myself”
  • “I still have a long way to go.”
  • “Maybe I should get out of her life, so she won’t be effected by my inadequacies.”

I thought many of these as well, but then I realized that, as valid as those arguments may seem to be, they don’t change how God created life to work. You are THE Man… the one God chose to be the example for your children. Just as much as you are inherently your child’s hero, you are inherently what they think of when they think of what a man ought to be. So, don’t teach them that a man runs away from problems, or screams at them. Don’t give up! Give in, to the idea that you do have some work to do, but being their dad, their hero, is the best thing you can do, no matter what circumstances came before you realized this.  So, love her well!

My Jewel and Me.

Being a father, for the first time, is a totally new thing to most men. I have yet to meet a man who had all the answers when he passed from simple adulthood to parenthood. It will take some time to transition, and you won’t get there overnight, but lean into it. Your children are totally worth it!

You Are The Man in your families life. Your children look to you, no matter what you think they are saying to you verbally, or non-verbally. This means that you have the ability to shape your daughter’s perception of what a man should be, and/or you are the guide on your son’s Journey to Manhood, and best of all, God will give you the tools to accomplish this task!

*Top Photo by Clem Onojeghuo
  Middle Photo by Federico Enni

 

How to Teach Your Son to Be “The Man!”

On Guard!

When teaching your boys, they respond far better to instructions and guidelines, accompanied by consistent modeling, than they do to back-door reprimands because they are not measuring up to the expectation you have of what a man should be.  I encourage you to proactively show them how to achieve what you expect, and then guide them lovingly when they fail to meet that expectation, because they will.

So how do I explain to them what I expect a man to be, you say?  How do I set a target for them to achieve?  How do I teach them to become “The Man!” when it’s time?

If you read my last post, you’d realize I’m making a play on words – or at least connotation – with the concept of being “The Man!”  Being a man, and leading your family, has little to do with achievement and arrogance.  Much of the men in our society are trying so hard to be that version of the colloquialism, that they completely miss what society needs most from them as a man.

So what makes a man… or continuing with the idea, what does it take to be “The Man!” in the lives of those around them …?

Is manhood simply a title you are given when you reach a certain age? Is that it? Or does it have to do with things that you have, or can accomplish? is there more to it than that? My friend David Welch tells me that The Lakota Tribe used a piercing ritual, during their Sun Dance, for passing a young man on to manhood if he was marked to be a medicine man. The Cherokee Tribe, of which he belongs, used what is called a Vision Quest, where a young man would have to survive alone in the wilderness for a period of days before becoming a man. So, does every boy have to be pierced, or survive the wild on his own, in order to become a man?

It is shameful, but modern american society uses sex as a marker of manhood… more and more what I see are ’26-year-old boys’ that were deceived that sex was the passage they were looking for, only to find out that the insatiable craving that was awakened within them is undermining the very things manhood is built upon.  No, sex can’t be it.

When looking for an appropriate definition for what it means to be a man, Robert Lewis tried to find resources and asked many people both in and outside of the church what it meant to be one. The process he said, was like “trying to nail Jell-O to the wall!” It seems that much of our society has not only their own version of what it means to be a man, but for many intents and purposes (yes, purposes) manhood has been downplayed, or ridiculed into a place where few understand what it really means to be a man, if they want to achieve it at all.

 (The link attached to this image will take you to Amazon.com so that you can purchase this book, if you’d like… it will also help support the blog/ministry of encouragingdad.com)

In his book, “Raising a Modern-Day Knight,” Robert Lewis lines out in no uncertain terms what a man is according to God, who made man, and gave us scripture as a guide to this life and His purposes.

A man is someone who:

  1. Rejects Passivity
  2. Accepts Responsibility
  3. Leads Courageously
  4. Expects the Greater Reward

This definition of an “Authentic Man,” as Lewis calls it, has been used by my family since I first learned it back in ‘the old ford explorer.’  I use it in my boy’s Journey to Manhood, and we speak of it often in our lives when the call to ‘man-up’ is required.

Too many of us, were raised in the nebulous cloud of unclear messages regarding when it was appropriate to be the boy/man God made us to be, and the question of if there even was a fixed target that we should be aiming for. I have found Robert Lewis’ definition inspiring and encouraging because it is a specific goal that I can frame my life and the lives of my children around. These four points are like directives on the mission to understanding what it is to be a man.

This definition also dispels false ideas of what it means to be a man. I want to encourage you that you don’t need to allow others in your life to intimidate your decisions based on what they expect, in their own delusions of manhood. Men do not have to be aggressive, self-centered, or sexually promiscuous. It is not necessary to be buff, athletic, or competitive to be a man. It is not required to be able to build a car engine, climb the corporate ladder, or carve an entertainment center out of wood with your bare hands… If you do the four things outlined in Robert Lewis’ definition, then you are aiming for the target that glorifies God in manhood, and I wholeheartedly commend it to you!

How I Became “The Man!”

Photo by marius sebastian

When I think about the time that I learned what it means to be a man, I remember driving down Randall Road, between Cary and Elgin, Illinois, in my Blue 1998 Ford Explorer Wagon listening to a cassette tape series of an audio book and taking notes on a small hand-held note pad with a damaged spiral across the top that made it difficult to flip to the next page -especially between shifting the gears of my manual transmission.

It was here, in the automobile that I had named Jerry, that I realized something that completely changed my life and charted a new course toward acting like the man that I was always intended to be. The content of this audiobook, and the subsequently purchased bona fide book, from which I have applied many, if not all, of the principles therein, set before me something that had never been part of my life before… a target for manhood.

I had just recently left the world of professional acting, and was trying to play the role of a responsible man by getting a “real job” and taking care of my family which now consisted of my wife and four children. It was important to me, as my oldest son was nearing double digits, that I raise him with intention and purpose, providing for him many of the things that I didn’t receive from my father(s).  I originally saw this target for manhood as a great way to help me teach my sons how to be a man…

…but then it hit me…

(more…) “How I Became “The Man!””

Teach Your Child to Work

Photo by Jesse Orrico

Work… that’s a four letter word!

Is that how you see it? Is that how your children see it …because that’s how you see it? …or because they see you work without expecting them to?

I have heard this said by men who seem to say it “tongue in cheek”… and often the man saying it is a “work-horse”… but the attitude that can be deduced by this statement, can be misleading.

Patrick Schwenk, in an article he wrote for thecourage.com says, “On average, most Americans will have seven to eight different jobs in their lifetime…” and that “Some 80% are currently unhappy in their line of work. ”

I have often wondered if my attitude when I get home, from a hard day’s work, is giving my kids the impression that work is a necessary evil, and that they should avoid it at all costs. We have recently had some difficulty getting our children to engage in chores and work around the house. It seems to me (and Patrick Schwenk agrees) that your attitude about work starts young.

I recall my parents work as the most important part of their lives. It was ministry, so as a young christian it was hard for me to argue, but as I look back I realize that the style in which they worked shaped my work ethic. Now this was only the foundation of that work ethic, as long as I take up the responsibility of shaping the structure that is built on that foundation, but there are pieces of that foundation that are not as firm as they might be.

“Cap” raking leaves

I have recently asked myself:

What kind of attitude am I building in my kids lives, as a foundation for their work ethic? Is it a joyful diligent stewardship that pleases God?  I would like it to be…

So when I came across this article I wanted to share it with you, and also give you another resource to edify you and your family.

So check out Three Truths Every Parent Needs To Teach Their Children About Work

…and then check out Kirk Cameron’s family edifying website, TheCourage.com.

Campfires + Boys = Good Combination

L.I.F.T.* Father Son Retreat

It is utterly amazing what sitting around a campfire does for your soul!

Last weekend I watched boys ranging from age 5 to 16 sit together, relatively still, around a campfire two nights in a row with no agenda and simply enjoy the tranquility and chaos of a campfire! It was a beautiful time, as conversation was inspired by mere proximity, not only between dads, or between boys, but across the fire in all directions.

I’m sure the Smores helped, but there was an amazing energy as every single male present, was “present” and actively finding rest and joy around the flames. It was a lovely time to be together, and to start the weekend as well as cap off the full day of activities in which we all participated as individual father and son pairs.

“Cap” and Me

I highly recommend getting out of your ordinary.

It is uncanny what it can bring out of your own heart, as well as the heart of your children.  Much like a traumatic event is burned into your memory and you can remember where you were, and what you were wearing when “that” happened, getting away from your normal routine and finding life changing truths in yourself, and more importantly in your children, will be a memory that will last a lifetime!  …and don’t forget, when in those moments, to enjoy them – but also to be intentional, find a few teaching moments, or discover something about the way your child is made that will boost both your understanding of them and that relationship.

We spend an hour talking on this rock!

There were hours spent with my son, just he and I! We were able to converse about many subjects, but also hiked a few mountains, boulder-ed up a few boulders, and saw some tremendous views! We also sat for the better part of an hour simply talking on a rock in the middle of nowhere.

Some of what we talked about is how he is wired.  I gained some great insight into my boy, and was able to edify him along those lines both at the retreat and since.  He also build the fire each night, for the group (he’s good at that)!

Time is valuable, use it wisely, and spend it generously on your family!

*for more information on L.I.F.T. and their events like the L.I.F.T. Facebook page @LIFTWeekends

What Little Girls Wish Daddies Knew

My Jewel and Me

Since I’ll be headed up to the mountains with “CAP” today I figured I’d post a intentional piece for girls.

I came across this article, by Tara Hedman, and I think that it is a great reminder:

I’m spending the morning waiting for my car in the repair shop. Four men in flannel (I missed the flannel memo) and I sit around smelling tires and inhaling exhaust fumes while an enchanting little fairy is in constant motion around her daddy. She climbs on him, giggles, turns around, and then she’s back to twirling on the tile.

She’s bouncing and spinning around in her pink frilly skirt. Her black cable knit tights are sagging around her tiny knees, and her puffy coat makes her arms stand out further than is natural. To top off the ensemble is a shiny crystal tiara. It’s been tacked down to her head with what appears to be about 60 haphazard bobby pins.

She’s probably 4 years old. So little, so vulnerable. She doesn’t seem concerned about it as she sings about teapots and ladybugs in her black Mary Janes. I feel myself tear up as I watch her. I tear up as I watch him watch her. She could not possibly know at 4 what impact this man, his character or his words will have on her for years to come. And, maybe he doesn’t know either.

Photo by Caleb Woods

So, to all the daddies with little girls who aren’t old enough yet to ask for what they need from you, here is what we wish you knew:

1. How you love me is how I will love myself.

2. Ask how I am feeling and listen to my answer, I need to know you value me before I can understand my true value.

3. I learn how I should be treated by how you treat my mom, whether you are married to her or not.

4. If you are angry with me, I feel it even if I don’t understand it, so talk to me.

5. Every time you show grace to me or someone else, I learn to trust God a little more.

6. I need to experience your nurturing physical strength, so I learn to trust the physicality of men.

7. Please don’t talk about sex like a teenage boy, or I think it’s something dirty.

8. When your tone is gentle, I understand what you are saying much better.

9. How you talk about female bodies when you’re “just joking” is what I believe about my own.

10. How you handle my heart, is how I will allow it to be handled by others.

11. If you encourage me to find what brings joy, I will always seek it.

12. If you teach me what safe feels like when I’m with you, I will know better how to guard myself from men who are not.

13. Teach me a love of art, science, and nature, and I will learn that intellect matters more than dress size.

14. Let me say exactly what I want even if it’s wrong or silly, because I need to know having a strong voice is acceptable to you.

15. When I get older, if you seem afraid of my changing body, I will believe something is wrong with it.

16. If you understand contentment for yourself, so will I.

17. When I ask you to let go, please remain available; I will always come back and need you if you do.

18. If you demonstrate tenderness, I learn to embrace my own vulnerability rather than fear it.

19. When you let me help fix the car and paint the house, I will believe I can do anything a boy can do.

20. When you protect my femininity, I learn everything about me is worthy of protecting.

21. How you treat our dog when you think I’m not watching tells me more about you than does just about anything else.

22. Don’t let money be everything, or I learn not to respect it or you.

23. Hug, hold, and kiss me in all the ways a daddy does that are right and good and pure. I need it so much to understand healthy touch.

24. Please don’t lie, because I believe what you say.

25. Don’t avoid hard conversations, because it makes me believe I’m not worth fighting for.

It’s pretty simple, really. Little girls just love their daddies. They each think their daddy hung the moon. Once in a while when you look at your little gal twirling in her frilly skirt, remember she’ll be grown one day. What do you want her to know about men, life, herself, love? What you do and say now matters for a lifetime. Daddies, never underestimate the impact of your words or deeds on your daughters, no matter their age.

Love this!  Read it again, and let it sink in.

Saving from Struggles

Photo by Ryan Jacques

Struggle is a funny word, and somehow we have given it a negative connotation.  When we see our children struggling it is an important time. Not because we need to rush to their aid, but because we need to discern if the struggle is something that will hurt them or resolutely block their way without the help of an adult, or if the struggle is part of the process of making them able to accomplish what they want or need to be able to do.

So, is it ok to save my son from struggling?  My answer… it depends.

I found this story that helps illustrate the point: (retold by Alice Gray – In a book called Stories for the Heart)

When he was a small boy, he had loved butterflies. Oh, not to net and mount them, but to wonder at their designs and habits.

Now a grown man with his first son to be born in a few weeks, he found himself once again fascinated with a cocoon. He had knocked from that tree and the cocoon had survived undamaged and still woven to the branch.

As he had seen his mother do, he gently protected it by wrapping it in his handkerchief and carried it home. The cocoon found a temporary home in a wide-top mason jar with holes in the lid. Th jar was placed on the mantle for easy viewing and protection from their curious cat who would delight in volleying the sticky silk between her paws.

The ma watched. His wife’s interest lasted only a moment, but he studied the silky envelope. Almost imperceptibly at first, the cocoon moved. He watched more closely and soon the cocoon was trembling with activity. Nothing else happened. The cocoon remained tightly glued to the twig and there was no sign of wings.

Finally the shaking became so intense, the man thought the butterfly would die from the struggle. He removed the lid on the jar, took a sharp pen knife from his desk drawer, and carefully made a tiny slit in the side of the cocoon. Almost immediately , one wing appeared and then out stretched the other. The butterfly was free!

It seemed to enjoy its freedom and walked along the edge of the mason jar and along the edge of the mantle. But it didn’t fly. At first the man thought the wings needed time to dry, but time passed and still the butterfly did not take off.

The man was worried and called up his neighbor who taught high school science. He told the neighbor how he had found the, placed it in the mason jar, and the terrible trembling as the butterfly struggled to get out. When he described how he had carefully made a small slit in the cocoon, the teacher stopped him. “Oh, that is the reason. You see, the struggle is what give the butterfly the strength to fly.”

I don’t know of any father who would say that he doesn’t want his son to “fly.” So as you discern the times to help with the struggle, from the times to let the struggle strengthen your child(ren) remember this analogy…

Teachable Moments

My Gem, at 5 years old!

You know that moment when your 5 year old says, “Hey, dad where do babies come from?”
…but when you really think about it, all she really want so know is, “they come from mommy’s tummy.”

Has that happened to you, yet? If it hasn’t, it will, and I want to encourage you to field such questions based on what you know of your child’s mind and intentions.  There are moments all over parenthood, where your job is not simply to be the “question answer-er,” but the counselor that answers the intention of their questions.

What I mean is, because you know them better than anyone, you have the ability to address the information they actually need, rather than simply what they are asking (in their limited communications skills).  Often a young child’s limited vocabulary, and experience leads them to ask strangely worded questions, or to ask questions that seem to insinuate far more information than they are looking for.  This becomes a great opportunity for you in two ways:

  1. A simple, matter-of-fact answer satisfies them, and they continue playing with the (inaccurate) knowledge that Dad knows everything
  2. You have an opportunity to teach them something that they didn’t even know they needed to know.

I call #2 a Teachable moment.  A teachable moment, in my house, is defined as a moment when there is an overarching life lesson hidden in a natural piece of life, or brought to relevance by a question they ask. Most of the time these are set right in front of you.  I want to encourage you to seize the opportunity when these teachable moments present themselves, but also know that often you need to be looking for them.

Teachable moments are all over the place.   Here are a few examples:

Photo by Ankush Minda

COLORED BALLOONS – When you see a balloon filled with Helium, tell them a story:

A young boy came up to a balloon salesman. He had a fist cart full of multi-colored balloons, and was in the habit of releasing a red balloon from time to time to attract attention to his cart. He let one go, and it sailed on the wind just over the boys head. He let another one go and it rose swiftly over the buildings.

The young boy said to the salesman, “Why do the red ones fly?”

The salesman responded, “Young man, it’s not the color of the balloon that makes it fly. It’s what’s inside!”

 

Photo by Frank Albrecht

HEADLIGHT OUT – When you see a car with a headlight out, point it out, and speak of how that person may not even know it’s out…

..sometimes you have a problem that you don’t know about.  For me to tell someone they have a headlight out it’s ‘good.’ It’s not a personal attack, it’s an attempt to point out something they may not be aware of.

We need people to speak into our lives and point out the areas we may not be aware of too… to keep us accountable and constantly pursuing hard after God.

 

Photo by Alex Munsell

POPCORN – Next time you microwave popcorn talk about:

They’re just seeds, until power is put through them! Then “POP! POP, POP, POP!”

Christ wants to use you and has the power to use you for His Glory. But I’m just a seed, until the power of God is in me, and I “make room” for Him. Then He will dwell in me and use His power through me. (you)

Teachable Moments are all around you, keep your eyes open for them.  I also plan to create a list of them as they come up on the site.  Keep your eyes out for that too.

L.I.F.T. Weekends !!

My Oldest and I ( 2012)

I cannot tell you enough how important time with your kids is! On top of that the opportunities you have to be with them in a way that’s not “normal” (everyday life) have a way of having even more impact.

EncouragingDad.com is helping to sponsor a Father Son Retreat, by an organization called L.I.F.T., which stands for League for Intentional Fatherhood Training.  It is a brand new not-for-profit organization that has a heart for rallying around dads and supporting them become who Christ has designed them to be.

L.I.F.T. Mission Statement:
The League for Intentional Fatherhood Training exists to equip men with resources, activities, and a community that will encourage them to become the fathers they are called to be in Jesus Christ.

This is the first event that L.I.F.T. is doing with the hope of more to come.  The idea is to create a group of men that will indeed become a community that functions as a set of individuals operating for the same goal – a League.

If you have a boy 5 years or older, and you want to come with us, check out the facebook page @LIFTWeekends

I highly recommend it!