Struggle is a funny word, and somehow we have given it a negative connotation. When we see our children struggling it is an important time. Not because we need to rush to their aid, but because we need to discern if the struggle is something that will hurt them or resolutely block their way without the help of an adult, or if the struggle is part of the process of making them able to accomplish what they want or need to be able to do.
So, is it ok to save my son from struggling? My answer… it depends.
I found this story that helps illustrate the point: (retold by Alice Gray – In a book called Stories for the Heart)
When he was a small boy, he had loved butterflies. Oh, not to net and mount them, but to wonder at their designs and habits.
Now a grown man with his first son to be born in a few weeks, he found himself once again fascinated with a cocoon. He had knocked from that tree and the cocoon had survived undamaged and still woven to the branch.
As he had seen his mother do, he gently protected it by wrapping it in his handkerchief and carried it home. The cocoon found a temporary home in a wide-top mason jar with holes in the lid. Th jar was placed on the mantle for easy viewing and protection from their curious cat who would delight in volleying the sticky silk between her paws.
The ma watched. His wife’s interest lasted only a moment, but he studied the silky envelope. Almost imperceptibly at first, the cocoon moved. He watched more closely and soon the cocoon was trembling with activity. Nothing else happened. The cocoon remained tightly glued to the twig and there was no sign of wings.
Finally the shaking became so intense, the man thought the butterfly would die from the struggle. He removed the lid on the jar, took a sharp pen knife from his desk drawer, and carefully made a tiny slit in the side of the cocoon. Almost immediately , one wing appeared and then out stretched the other. The butterfly was free!
It seemed to enjoy its freedom and walked along the edge of the mason jar and along the edge of the mantle. But it didn’t fly. At first the man thought the wings needed time to dry, but time passed and still the butterfly did not take off.
The man was worried and called up his neighbor who taught high school science. He told the neighbor how he had found the, placed it in the mason jar, and the terrible trembling as the butterfly struggled to get out. When he described how he had carefully made a small slit in the cocoon, the teacher stopped him. “Oh, that is the reason. You see, the struggle is what give the butterfly the strength to fly.”
I don’t know of any father who would say that he doesn’t want his son to “fly.” So as you discern the times to help with the struggle, from the times to let the struggle strengthen your child(ren) remember this analogy…