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Care to Know Your Children

 

Photo by Jared Sluyter

Do you know your toddler’s favorite book? or food? Do you know your elementary child’s favorite color? or flavor of ice cream? Do you know your Middle Schooler’s favorite subject? or band? or app/game? Do you know your High Schooler’s favorite fast food joint?

At the end of the day, children are very in tune with your desire to know them, and believe in them. As I related the story of “Sweet & Low” to you, I explained the things that I needed to learn about her. This engaging takes time. Sometimes you can talk to your children, or try to teach them, but not engage. There is an old adage that goes “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” Nowhere is this truer than in the parent-child relationship. They want you to care for them because you want to, not because you have to… and they know the difference.

Undivided attention tells your child(ren) a lot about your desire to know them. Disinterest, from you, all too often distances the relationship of a child to their hero. They want you to be interested in what they are doing, in what they have accomplished, and in what they believe. Along the same lines, showing them interest because of something that you’ll get out of that interaction teaches a child to be self-centered, even though they will meet the realities of your selfishness with disdain, initially. If you honestly seek to understand the child you have been blessed with, you will be surprised at what a blessing they truly will be to you. So, care to know them, for who they are… not for who you wish they would be.

It doesn’t do any good to try to mold them into something they are not. Kathy Koch, in her book The 8 Great Smarts, says it best, “Raise the children you were given and not the ones you wish you had.” Every child has his or her own preferences and way of doing things, and it’s your job, Dad, to discover what that “bent” is.

Being engaged in the life of your child(ren) should carry some weight. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it may spoil some football games. Yes, it may even mean you have to move around some work obligations. But, next to your wife, your child(ren) should hold highest priority. So, engage in their lives, their interests, and even indulge their foolishness in order to express to them love, value, and validation. You are their hero, you give them hope!

*interested in the book, just click on the image to buy it now!

George Washington did it! – Name Calling (3 of 3)

Photo by Ben Noble

Words are powerful! How you talk to people is just as important as what you say!  This is no truer than when you are speaking to your children.  Often however, we relegate this thought simply to the negative side of the equation.  I want to encourage you to utilize this reality to powerfully build up your children.

We’ve talked about Name Calling …but Reversed, and last time we discussed turning someone’s mindset around with an endearing name, like Sweet and Low.  Today I’d like to bring to your attention, that America was build upon this concept… not conceptually, but quite literally.  The men who won American freedom were build up by this same method of bringing out their best.

The first president of the United States, George Washington, when he was “General Washington,” used to address his men as “my brave fellows,” not because they were brave in the midst of their peril, but because he needed them to be. He knew they would live up to the challenge. Washington brought out the best in those around him by challenging them to achieve the potential of what he knew was inside them. George Washington was a great leader, and he got his men to be brave by telling them that they were.

Richard Brookhiser, in his book George Washington on Leadership*, explains how history remembers this truth:

The most consistent example of the turn is a battlefield phrase that appears in numerous memories of talks he gave or shouts he made before or during combat. Washington’s reported comments in the filed cannot be accepted word for word: No one was taking notes; old men wrote them down, years after thy had been young.  Time and memory and Washington’s posthumous reputation put them in capital letters.  We have the sense, not the exact sounds. But one phrase appears so often that it has the ring of accuracy – ‘my brave fellows.’ My brave fellows, I ask you to reenlist. My brave fellows, fight. Each time Washington says it, he is asserting that which is to be proved. Maybe they will go home or run away, and not be brae at all. But he get them to be brave by telling them that they are.

… Washington preferred to say, My brave fellows, meaning, My fellows, be brave.

Routine accomplishes a lot; so do the levers of interest, if they are skillfully pulled. But sometimes a leader has to see a person’s best, tell him what it is, and then let him do it – because, without the best efforts of others, what can a leader accomplish?

Imagine the potential you have, being your child(ren)’s father to be able to see what they can be – the best they can be. With this knowledge I am encouraging you to “bring out the best” in your child(ren) by the way you engage with them, the way you speak to them, and the way you believe in them. Get to know them, and know them well enough to see their best. Then use that knowledge to lead them to be the best they can be.

*like this book? click on the picture to buy it now!

Sweet and Low – Name Calling (2 of 3)

Photo by Markus Spiske

I have heard it said that your favorite word in any language is your name (or the name you like to be called).  While I believe that this is true in an extra familial sense, I do know that nicknames – especially ones that endear a person to you (and you to them) are loved by many.  This is illustrated in the idea of, “my friends call me Jack.”

As a dad, you gave your child their name.  You’ve used their name a lot through the years of infancy and toddler-hood. Now I want to encourage you to find a name, not to replace their given name, but one that has deeper meaning in the mind of your coherent child – one with which you can build them up.

My last blog, Name Calling …but Reversed, had to do with names I have called my children and the stories that made those names valuable in their eyes.  The concept I am commending to you is intended to use word-pictures to inspire both intrinsic value for your child, as well as encouragement to become what you see in them, but perhaps something that they don’t see in themselves (as with my son and Captain America – he’s not that leader yet… but he will be)

There was once a lady at a restaurant where I worked for a time, that was in a bad situation. She was of Chinese decent, pretty, and she was a bit overweight especially for her height which was not a large number. She had a bad attitude for fairly good reason, and most of our co-workers were not her biggest fans. She went through a divorce, in those years, and it really rattled her. During the time I was getting to know her, we had a few talks over “lunch,” which amounted to a quick bite between shifts, sitting in the restaurant. Through this communication, and subsequent incidental moments I learned that she liked Iced Tea and that she used the pink sugar substitute. As time went on I had the privilege to meet her mom from where she had received much of her lighter and funnier side. (Oh, did I mention she had one of those?) I would not have found that side without some digging, but it turned out to be a great side of her.  And so, I began to call her a nickname, using the above concept. I called her “Sweet & Low.”

Debra Vernetter

Now many of my co-workers looked at me funny when they learned that this was my nickname for her, but as it turned out she began to lived up to the name. Of course, she already had the low part down, but the sweet came, over time, just the same. She adored the name, and it build bonds between us in a healthy friendship, something I believe she sorely needed.  I truly believe it was because of my faith that she could be sweet, that she became this way.  Often using a name that embodies something a person has not yet achieved, but that you see their potential to be, will encourage them to become the very thing that you label them.  It worked for Michelle.

So I want to encourage you, to seek out a nickname that will build up your kids(s), that embodies a story of who they are, who you see them becoming, and or intrinsic of descriptive value!

Name Calling …but Reversed! (1 of 3)

Photo by Jon Tyson

How many times have you heard that name calling is a bad thing? It is true, the father who calls his daughter names that demean her gender, or make parts of her body to be focused upon instead of modestly de-emphasized will not benefit her development. Just as calling your son names that emasculate him will undermine the concept of raising him to be a man. So, be very careful of the flippant things you say to your children. Even misunderstood sarcasm, can dig-in especially if it is the opposite of what they are trying to become; you are trying to teach them to be.

…but that’s not what I’m looking to emphasis here.

Like many things, name calling is more about the intention behind it that makes it good or bad. Remember your kids can be very intuitive when it comes to what you really mean by what you’re saying (though it never hurts to double-check).

On the flip side, edifying names can be very beneficial (and remove any doubt about what you really mean)! I have names for my daughters that edify and encourage them. Names like “Jewel” and “Gem” that remind them that they are My Treasure, and that I will protect them like a dragon guarding its valuables.

Not only do I simply call them names, but they know the story behind the names as well. I made them aware of a dragon’s fierce desire to guard his treasure, and the symbolism of breathing fire on anyone who seeks to steal, or hurt his treasure. This symbolism can be a powerful tool, to express a large concept with simple word-pictures that represent the entirety of the emotional truth. I even went as far as to write a book for them called A Magnificent Treasure.  A tool that is available here.  I have had a number of dads that have donned the title “Dragon” because of this book, and in turn they speak to their daughters as their “Treasures.”

My son, Steven, likes Captain America …a lot.  Ever since we watched the first movie, Captain America, The First Avenger, I have related him to the character of Steve Rogers. He is quite edified by being referred to as “Capt’n,” because it links him to a small, skinny kid with a heart of a lion who becomes the hero of the story. He is, after all, the small skinny kid who wants to be much more. I can edify him that he is that hero, and has the ability to be much more, simply by calling him “Capt’n.”

I will confess to you, that my oldest son, Wesley, has expressed to me a bit of jealousy that his sisters had names that endeared them to me, and I to them, but he did not. This, in itself, illustrates the benefit of using symbolism and word-pictures to express what you think of your child(ren), and how much the children have gravitated to it. Even at his age (16 at the time) he sees and desires to have that for himself.

You know your kids better than I do, so pick titles/names for them that have to do with what they like, that also embody characteristics you see in them already, characteristics of your love for them, or ones you would like to see in them.

Encouragement

Photo by John-Mark Kuznietsov

I want to encourage you…

Encourage your children, daily. Don’t wait for them to ask for it, or deserve it, you may never have an opportunity if you wait for these things, so find encouragement for them in the moment. There is always something, in every situation, that you can encourage. You may have to search diligently in certain seasons to find something that you can honestly encourage them in… but do it.  Pray, and ask the Lord.  He will gladly reveal to you how He has made your child. Chances are you are very much the same in certain aspects of your life, especially if they’ve got your genes!

If all that comes to mind is that he’s made a mistake just like you did when you were a kid, express that! He wants to be like you already, and this makes a great transition into what to do about a mistake allowing him to relate to his hero and follow in his hero’s footsteps to rectify the situation.

I have learned to use the actual words “I want to encourage you…” Sometimes the end of that sentence is “…encourage you away from…” or “…encourage you to really think about…” but this way of speaking has helped me to keep what I have to say encouraging, as well as given my children the heads-up that I’m trying to build them up, not tear them down.

Photo by Diego PH

Give encouragement freely. Be honest, but don’t refrain from building them up. They are looking for validation from their hero! Honesty is very important when you are encouraging them.

I am amazed at how intuitive children can be, and they know you better than they know anyone else.  If you use some platitude to try to encourage your child(ren) simply because I told you to, they will see right through it! Or if you tell them the words you believe ought to be said without meaning them, the message you will communicate will be mixed.

Be honest in your encouragement. Speak what you truly believe about them. If you don’t truly believe something that you feel needs to be said, ignore your feeling and look for something with which you can honestly build them up.

I Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

Communicate …Daily!

Photo by Antoine Barrès

This may sound silly, but do you talk to your children on a consistent basis? Not just talk, but communicate? Is there ever a time when you are sharing the same space, and you don’t talk?  As your children get older it is more common to be caught up in the tasks at hand (especially for them), but you don’t have to take their lead in letting the busyness of life get in the way of the relationships that make life worth living.

There should never be a day when you don’t talk with a child who lives under your roof.  The moods and interests of children can change daily, so you have to do your best to keep up. Simple phrases like, “How was your day?” and “What did you think about the game/movie/new song” are great starters, but don’t be content with “It was good.” The best questions to ask are open ended questions. These make the child think more, and it’s harder to simply take the easy way out and not communicate.

Questions like “Why do you think the Broncos had a hard time scoring today?” or “Who is your favorite teacher?…why?” are examples of open ended questions, questions that can’t simply be answered with a yes or a no. Certain personality types will be more inclined to continue the conversation, but many times (especially in the teen years) kids are focused on what they are thinking about and not very interested in explaining it to you. That’s o.k. Take what you can get and keep asking questions, that’s the best way to engage your child(ren).

Don’t just talk. Listen to what they have to say (especially once they hit double digits). Let them know that you are interested in what they have to say, and in their opinions. Don’t divide your attention between your child and a cell phone, or a football game. Show them they are more important to you than those things. What they have to say may not seem very important to you, but in their world, with their limited view, it has a lot more significance than you realize.

Photo by Joseph Gonzalez

Kids in general will gravitate to the oldest person they know that will take them seriously. Do you take your child(ren) seriously? Or do you brush their problems under the rug, because compared to yours they are a walk in the park? When you take your child seriously, you build their confidence that what they have to say is worth hearing (even if the specifics of what they have to say today aren’t). You can validate your child(ren) that their opinions and their point of view are worth being heard simply by listening, and keep in mind, in their early years, they don’t have to be right, …or even make sense!

You can discover a tremendous amount about your child(ren) simply by engaging their brains. It’s amazing how much you can learn by listening, and asking them why they think what they just told you is true. There are times when they will talk themselves out of their previous point of view, and there are times when they will amaze you with the insight that their innocent observations have brought to your life! For them to be wrong is the not the same earth shattering event that it is for you to be wrong, Dad. It’s really not that for you either, but I know that years of pride have built up in many of us and we want to save our children from “being wrong” – don’t worry they’ll be just fine.

“Consistency” vs “Constantly”

Photo by Tim Wright

Any Guru, parental advice columnist, or grandparent will tell you that the most important thing to be as a parent is consistent.  Well… what I’m going to tell you is going to… “go right along” with that!

The reason they will all say that is on the other side of parenting, is this thing that many of us feel on Monday morning when we are so sure of what the quarterback should have done the day before!  But there is truth in it, and to the best of your ability I will commend to you that you too be as consistent as possible.  YOU WILL MAKE MISTAKES… that will break the consistency.

Do your best.

Consistently be a part of their lives. Stay abreast of what they are interested in (because that can change daily), engage in activities that they like whether you like them or not. Knowing that Dad wants to be with them regardless of the activity will have a great impact on their lives.

Meg Meeker, in her book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, describes the consistency of impact that her father had on her (and notice the imperfectness of this man she highly regards):
“My father always made sure that I knew he loved me. He was an eccentric man, quiet, antisocial, and extremely smart… I was his daughter and that was a very important thing to be. Did he tell me often? No. He didn’t talk much. So how did I know? I knew because I heard him worry about me to my mother. I watched him cry when my brother and I left home for college. He came to many of my athletic events but missed many more. But that didn’t matter. I knew that he thought I was terrific at sports. (In fact, he believed me to be much better than I really was, but I didn’t want to set him straight on that one.) I knew he loved me because he made our entire family go on vacations together… He knew that we needed time to be together. In the same camp. In the same dining room. On the same hiking trails or in the same canoes.”

The consistency of her father’s message is unmistakable, even though he was not constantly at every event.

Be careful, not to confuse the word consistently with the word constantly.  Consistency has more to do with the word integrity, than the word constantly.  As Dr. Meeker pointed out, her father didn’t come to every game, but he made it quite clear to her, how he felt about her abilities. The first definitions of consistency have to do with the “firmness of a material.”

Think of your consistency (in being a part of your children’s lives) as the firmness of your desire to make sure they feel loved, valued, and validated.

There are parents who are constantly taking children to practice for this or the other sport or activity, with no degree of firmness in their desire to validate them. This sounds to me more like a taxi driver than a parent. I know that I’m playing with words, but there is a difference here that I believe is important. Consistency is “harmony of conduct or practice.”

Do you always show your children how proud you are of them and their abilities – or even their inabilities if they aren’t so skilled?  You don’t have to constantly run yourself ragged for the sake of your children, especially if they are only slightly interested in the sport, or activity to begin with (and think twice, if they are involved in sports/activities strictly because it gives you time for other things).  Activities and sports have busied our lives so much, these days, that family time and true investigation of a child’s “bent” is at risk of suffocation.

Regardless of how many activities they are involved in, if you are consistent in the validation of your child(ren) you will foster an appropriate admiration for you that is nothing short of “hero worship,” and it will come with respect and obedience too!

Fatherly Example?

Photo by Ivan Zhukevich

“…but my father made mistakes!”

…and you will make mistakes as a father too …but don’t let that discourage you from engaging in the calling that God has put on your life.

Every day outweigh your mistakes with heroic love and encouragement. Your children are looking for validation and support from their father, and knowing that you can make mistakes, respond accordingly, and still be the man they need you to be is priceless in the bank of family relationship.

Be a part of their daily lives, they will look to you for direction, for encouragement and for validation.

“But my example of a dad…”

Stop comparing yourself to your father. Take the good things he taught you and use them to your advantage, and take the things you wish you could wipe from your memory and use them to your advantage in understanding the impact that certain actions can have on your children, vowing never to be that way.

Too many men, who had good dads, are intimidated by the ‘good man’ that their father was and feel as if they can’t make mistakes and still be a God-honoring father. But you can! Because you will make mistakes, and God knows it.  In many ways, it is better, for your kids, that you do make mistakes. The very thing you are feeling right now, if you are one of these type of men, will be what your children feel if you hide from them that you ever make a mistake. There is forgiveness, and that is one of the most important things your kids can learn.

For those of you who had ‘not-so-good’ fathers (or words that I won’t print here kind-of fathers) don’t let the hard-wire connection to your father keep you from thinking that you can be a God-honoring father because of your past.

You can.

Engage!

You can use what God has allowed you to go through to encourage them away from the pitfalls that you have ‘discovered’ in your life. Most likely they are wired similarly, and will fall victim to similar temptations. Looking out for their good, because you know how bad the end of a certain road can be, sounds pretty heroic to me.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Liane Metzler

Dad… I challenge you to engage your children today!

Did you have a bad example?
-If your kids are over 10, tell them how you don’t want to fall victim to things you experienced through the example you had, but then express to them your desire to still be the dad they need!
-If they are under 10, simply lay the foundation of love upon them, using the examples of other men in your life (or the model of C.A.S.T. to cast your love upon them),  so that they will not experience the difference. Then plan for intentional action in training them later in life. Plan now, time goes fast.

Did you have a good example?
-If your kids are over 10, tell them stories of what their grandfather used to do, and why you want to be the dad that they need!
-If your kids are under 10, simply implement your favorite memories and set the stage to be able to build them up how you were later in life.  Plan now, time goes fast.

Complain, Complain, Complain

Photo by Hunter Johnson

Are you a complainer? Are your kids turning into complainers? Is it a problem to be a complainer?

I had the fortunate upbringing that helped me to look on the bright side of things, and do my best not to complain. … but I learned to do it as an adult!

I remember being at the final luncheon for a summer camp, where the staff was getting awards.   A friend of mine got the “biggest complainer award,” and everyone thought it was funny.  To be honest, I wouldn’t have titled him that. That was just the way he was, but for some reason it has stuck in my head and it seemed derogatory, so I chose not to laugh.

There has always been some nebulous negative connotation on complaining, and for years I simply accepted that it probably isn’t something I should make a part of my life… then it became part of my life anyway.  I think it’s part of the human condition/curse that when we don’t like something, or it’s not going the way we think it should that we complain.

Well, my wife stumbled upon an article that lines out some neurological downsides to complaining.  Finally some scientific evidence to what I thought, but had no words to describe.

Dr. Travis Bradberry lines out, that Complaining Rewires Your Brain for Negativity.  You can read the full article she found here.

It said:
“Repeated complaining rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely. Over time, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what’s happening around you.  Complaining becomes your default behavior, which changed how people perceive you.”

The article goes on to talk about complaining shrinking the hippocampus, how it’s bad for your health, and then gives solutions as well.

…there is a lot of “thick” concepts in the above article, and even in the previous paragraphs that I’ve written…

Bottom line, teach your kids to have an attitude of gratitude.  When they complain, simply offer a positive way of saying what they are trying to express.

Photo by Chris Benson

There have been many times where my wife and I have simply reworded their sentence so that they would express themselves in a more positive way.  When there is no emotion, or horror, to how the child said it originally, there is usually little push-back for the child simply to repeat the expression the way you said it.  This works best when the children are young and first learning how to speak, because they are readily taking cues from you already and they won’t think anything of it.

As they grow, and question why they should say it they way you “want them to,” simply explain it to them.  Life is better when we have a positive outlook on things, and an attitude of gratitude toward everything.  Everything we have has been given to us anyway, so be grateful.

 

Love, Loyalty, and Siblings

Photo by Hush Naidoo

There is a story I once heard that exemplifies the idea of love and loyalty… putting someone else’s needs before your own.  It is one that made me wonder, in our age of texting and social media, if there were “textese,” (or SMS language) for Crying Out Loud.  This is one of those stories that gave me a reaction of a compassion that welled up inside me the same way a laugh just bursts forth in response.

For My Sister
by David C. Needham

There is s true story of a little boy whose sister needed a blood transfusion. The doctor explained that she had the same disease the boy had recovered from two years earlier. Her only chance of recovery was a transfusion from someone who had previously conquered the disease. Since the two children had the same rare blood type, the boy was an ideal donor.

“Would you give you blood to Mary?” the doctor asked.

Johnny hesitated. His lower lip started to tremble. Then he smiled and said, “Sure, for my sister.”

Soon the two children were wheeled into the hospital room. Mary, pale and thin, Johnny, robust and healthy. Neither spoke, but when their eyes met, Johnny grinned.

As the nurse inserted the needle into his arm, Johnny’s smile faded. He watched the blood flow through the tube.

With the ordeal almost over, Johnny’s voice, slightly shaky, broke the silence.

“Doctor, when do I die?”

Only then did the doctor realize why Johnny had hesitated, why his lip had trembled when he agreed to donate his blood. He thought giving his blood to his sister would mean giving up his life. In that brief moment, he had made his great decision.

…and yet he did it anyway!!  He was willing to give up his own life to save his sister.  That’s heroic.

I am a big proponent of the desire of my children’s heart.  Sometimes they brake things, sometimes they cause harm to our family, but if their motives are pure… if they intended to bless their mother, or build up their sibling, or in this case give up their own life (he believed that to be the reality, and went along with it anyway) for someone else – sacrifice – I do my best to be respond to the heart, rather than the practical outcome.

You see it in your own life, when your child was a baby, and “didn’t know any better” you gave them grace when the got into trouble, or chose to love on you when you were hurting.  It works the same way, and I truly believe that this is the way that God responds to us as well.