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“That Must Be How It Works”

My Kids at Tillamook Cheese Factory

It is amazing to me how my children take something that I say, sometimes flippantly or only once, and they form a strong opinion around that notion. I once talked candidly about my distaste for onions in a Taco Bell burrito, I mentioned how difficult and surprising it was to be enjoying the smooth refried beans across my lips, and then, CRUNCH! there is a rogue onion that destroys the experience. Since I related that story to my boys, several years ago, I have learned to like onions in many things – including burritos. But guess what? They continue to be opposed to the concept of smooth with a surprising crunch, even transferring that concept to something their mother had made just recently. To this day, my oldest will pick out any type of onion that he can see in his food.

All that to say, I created a concept in their minds that stated: ‘when food is inconsistent, in this way, it is not desirable.’ They took the personal preference and said, ‘Oh, that must be ‘bad,’ because Dad knows how things work.’

It happens in preferences all the time. When you see a child standing strongly on one side of an opinion about something that is usually neutral for most children, odds are their parents are of that mind. Children are great imitators and they will do what you do, preferences or not. It’s true in food, in sports team loyalty, in political views, and in humor. Did you have to tell your children to cheer for the football team that you enjoy watching? Odds are that they developed the affinity for them simply because you get excited over them. Because “that’s how it works.”

Ray Romano was on a talk show one night as I was flipping through channels, and as I watched the interview Ray began to speak of how he used to sit with his father as he watched old Rodney Dangerfield comedy. The father content obviously intrigued me, so I continued to watch how he explained his father’s impact on his life. Romano specifically said, ‘I watched my dad laugh at this guy, and I thought to myself this must be what funny is.’  If you know Ray Romano at all, much of his comedy has to do with the same content as Dangerfield’s, because “that’s what funny is according to dad.'” For good or ill your children will look to you for the meaning of so many things, because “you are the man they look up to.” Use that knowledge wisely.

Be a good example!

Apples, Trees, and Falling

Happy New Year, from Colorado!!

I hope all is well with you and your family.  Over the last year I’ve learned much in my own life about prioritizing… and though it may be hard to hear, my family is more important than you. 😉  I have fallen into a routine, in posting on this blog, that prioritizes my wife and kids better.  You see I’m not great at planning ahead, so often these blogs are written/set up the same day they are posted… I need to get better at that, but until I do (or find someone to help me) I may not be as timely with current events or holiday posts because I’m enjoying them with my family first.

Since we are starting a new year, and this is the first post of 2019 I want to start with an analogy that I’m sure you’ve heard.  The phrase, ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,’ is not new but it is apropos.  Not only is this cliche’ true, but the reason that it works this way (most of the time) is very valid to the theme of the next few posts, Being A Good Example.

An apple grows to its full ripeness on ‘the tree.’ It spends its entire developmental time attached to ‘the tree.’ If you are the tree, and your child – the apple, then you are growing them simply by your presence in their lives, and when they are ripe, they naturally fall from the tree – leave your house. While they are with you, they are getting what they need to be the kind of person your family tree produces.

The Original Cast of “Hiking with Johnny Appleseed”
(and yes that’s me in the front 😉 )

When you consider personalities and genetics, there are a lot of different types of people in this world. It is on purpose that you are the father of your child.  This is a truth especially poignant for you if you are not naturally inclined to guide and teach others.  Regardless of how they line up with your patterns of thinking, their affection for you will take patterns they see, in every aspect of your life, and begin to make them their own. That’s how God designed it to work and it has worked that way for ages. Not only that, but the scope of your ability to be an example to them only reaches so far, as I said before there must be some intentionality.

To continue with the example of the tree, the branches of an apple tree only reach a certain distance, and when the apple on the furthest tip of the longest branch falls it will still not be ‘far’ from the tree. Your children know only what you allow into their world, especially at first. While school and outside influences do affect their understanding of ‘things,’ most of ‘who your children are’ have been put into place by the time they are in kindergarten. This only reiterates the point that your influence on them makes them who they are, and it makes you a valid ‘advisor’ to the rest of their lives.

Photo by Sydney Rae

If you have missed this part of their lives, whether by your own choice or someone else’s, don’t be discouraged.  It is never too late to do the right thing, and sometimes doing the right thing means just being available for them. Being an example which is, in fact, the theme for the next few posts, is perfect for the absent father scenario because most of the time absent fathers (physically or simply emotionally) are not in prime position to become the teacher immediately when they come back into the relationship. Allow your child(ren) time to get to know who you are all the while being an example of who you want them to be, and let them see that – you don’t even have to say a word! Most of the time they will gravitate toward you, because you are who they want to be – even if they didn’t know you at first.

You got this! You’re being an example anyway…
so be a Good Example!

An Example of the Truth

Your child will believe to be true, the first thing they learn about a subject. This is why it is important to grasp this concept from the beginning, and intentionally get to your children early… Not only to be an example to the baby and then the toddler, but also to lay out the ground-work for more complex concepts as they grow. If you teach your children about a subject before they hear about it in school, you have the opportunity to teach them the truth about it! Then when they get the outside opinions on it, they will already have the foundational truth because they heard it from dad first!

So be an example for your child(ren)! Your personality type, your strengths, your emotional mind-set, your temperament is important to the development of your child(ren). My wife and I chose to always have one of us home with the children, so that the specifics of their personalities, and learning styles, were naturally spoken by those who gave them life. Genes are a funny thing, and though I know very little about them, comparatively speaking, I do know that you are wired like your family. Your personality, your strengths, your emotional mind-set, and your temperament all have to do with the way you are put together, and those building blocks came from two people, your parents.

If you are the best you, that you can be, then you will be an example for your child(ren) to become what they need to be. You don’t have to go far to be an example to your children, it’s mostly in you already, like I said before! Of course, if there is something in you that is not God-honoring (or that you are not proud of), and need/want to change, by all means, seek that change. I do want to caution you however, to present yourself to your children the way you are now, and let them know how you feel about those difficult areas of your life, along with what you are doing to fix them. I cannot tell you how many times I have taught my kids something, and told them “…the reason I’m telling you this, is at forty years old I’m still working on it. If you can learn it at your age, you will be ahead of the game!” There is humility in revealing the truth about your deficiencies, and your kids aren’t going to be ashamed of you for it, they will subconsciously admire your honesty and integrity for being transparent with them.

They Are Always Watching!

You talk about it being creepy that Santa “sees you when your sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” The reality is that children are always watching. Whether they’re yours, ones that you take care of, or simply ones that happen to be in your vicinity children are wired to mimic what they see adults doing. They are always watching!

Beautiful little baby we care for who had just learned to roll over.


Sometimes we gloss over the word always, but I have chosen that word intentionally. They are ALWAYS watching. In their teen years, when they say they don’t care, your children are watching you. Before they have the ability to accomplish the speech, actions, or habits of your life, they are keeping an eye on you because you are the example of how life is to be led.

Your child(ren) are ALWAYS watching you.

They learn to talk because of the words that you use. They learn to walk, because of and through you. They learn to love the way you love. They learn to care about the things you care about. They learn to… and be careful here… hate the things you hate.


Your children are watching not only the things you do, but the way in which you do those things. The reason God gave them you, is so that they can watch you and learn how to live this life. He built a training system into the fabric of life, and while you may not officially have the gift of teaching, or training, you have the ability to be you, and if you seek to be the best you, you can be, according to the gifts God has given you, they will see it and learn to do the same.  It’s easier to see when they’re babies, but as they grow they will do it, even subconsciously.

Guess who’s watching? That’s my Jewel!


I recall first my son, early on in his ability to speak, using a word (and not a ‘good’ word) that, purposefully, my wife nor I had used since he began to talk. I am convinced that he heard the word early in life, because he was listening and watching us before he could talk, and then he used it (albeit) appropriately when he dropped something!

Doh!

Take heart, they want to be like you, and imitation is the highest form of flattery.  However, I would highly recommend, that you keep an eye on your own behavior… and if there is something that is not appropriate for them, just get rid of it (don’t try to hide it from them… that doesn’t work)!

Christmas Time!

My Gem putting the star on top of the Christmas Tree, while my Jewel watches her sisters turn this year!
It was ‘My Gem’s’ turn to put the Start on the Christmas Tree this year!

We love to decorate for Christmas! I have found that what my wife loves and remembers about Christmas – what makes it special – is different than what I remember as a child. This is a great conversation to have (and continue to have), because Christmas Traditions are a memorable way to raise your kids, and being on the same page as your spouse is always important.

Whether there are specific movies that you watch together, certain stories that you read together, decorating the house together, or perhaps you cut down your own Christmas Tree together, Christmas Traditions can be, and are, important things.

Early on, my wife and I wrote down certain things we wanted to become traditions. We then, were diligent to do those things for a few years in a row, which made them naturally become ‘tradition.’  Especially, as kids are young, they do what you do… and if you do things specifically and consistently, the creation of a “tradition” is not too hard.  (With young minds, if it is fun to them, it will only take one year to establish because they will correlate that activity with the decorations and the music)

Of course there will be things that come up along life’s road that will just become they way things work at Christmas time, and those can be great too, but I want to encourage you not to wait for your kids lives to pass before setting up some intentional traditions in your family.

…and if your kids are grown?  It’s not too late you still can make new traditions, and remind them of the beauty of the Holiday.

I wish you a joyous Christmas Season with your family!!  Make it one to remember!

Don’t Set the Bar Too High

After posting on temper, I feel I ought to speak on unrealistic expectations; setting the bar too high. Dad it is your job to know your children well enough to understand their abilities and set appropriate expectations for them. This will greatly benefit them, give you more opportunities to encourage them, and keep your temper in check, because more often than not the temper flares when what you expect doesn’t happen.

I have seen many dads who want their sons/daughters to make them look good because of what they can achieve. Unfortunately, this sets your child(ren) up for failure. First, because you are not validating them – but their achievement, and Second, it becomes a conditional love that when unmet becomes a lack of love (at least in their eyes).  A child in this scenario feels that they cannot fail, because they don’t want to let down their hero, and yet many times they cannot help but fail because the bar is so high. This leads to a great deal of stress among children these days. The weight of not letting down their hero is greater than that of failing themselves. I’ve seen it in my youth groups, and it’s hard to watch.

The Cassford Kids – Halloween Heroes

Please hear my heart. Expect great things from your children! I am simply seeking to encourage you away from setting an unreachable or conditional love above their heads that will become a burden to them. Think the best of your children, but know them well enough to know what their best looks like, prayerfully and realistically… and love them all the way through it. Otherwise your children will believe that they can’t fail, and that is a hard place to be… because children will fail, and for you to be ashamed of them is the worst possible scenario in their minds.

Temper?

I would like to say a few words about temper.  I feel it is important to mention this because engaging with my children is when I saw my temper, that I thought was under control, resurface. Please understand that this is an area that I have “limped” through most of my parenting life, because my stride has been considerably hampered by my lack of self-control – my temper. I say this to my chagrin, but for your benefit because, by the Grace of God, I have learned some all too real truths about what a temper does to the heart of a child.

Proverbs 15:18, “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.”

Especially if you have girls, your temper can shatter the relationship you have with your child(ren). I think the movie that best portrays the reality of this is “Monsters, Inc.” by Pixar. The main character is a monster named Sully who finds a human child he names Boo. The child is not scared of Sully because “Sully is not her monster” (clever metrics are used matching children to monsters that will scare them the most). About an hour into the movie there is a scene where Boo sees Sully’s “scare demonstration,” which is meant as a teaching tool for other monsters, and she is completely scared of him. She doesn’t even want to come near him.  This is not what we want from our child(ren).

Dad you are the hero! You protect, you take care, you provide safety & comfort, and a temper tantrum can dash these ideals into millions of pieces, because you become the object from which they need protecting. You can say, “they know I’ll never hurt them” till you’re blue in the face but if you cause them to question that – even the slightest hint of doubt – they will be afraid of you …and I don’t mean respect.

Do you have a temper? Give it to God. Plead with him to focus your passion on glorifying Him in every situation, and to give you the strength to trust Him with the outcome regardless of what you can see. And though you will fail remember this:

I Peter 4:8, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

When you inevitably fail to keep your temper in check, circle back to them, and ask for their forgiveness. Again this will teach them the process, and give them room to make mistakes.

Photo by Sydney Rae

Honesty

Kids are smart, they can tell if you are simply going through the motions or if you want to be a part of their lives. Consistency is the key. There is no better way to stay consistent than honesty. When honesty is your compass, you will continue in the same direction at every turn of the path. The following is the working definition that we use to teach our kids honesty:

HONESTY: The courage to BE THE TRUTH in word, and in thought, and in action.

(Honesty is one of the seven pieces that make up the Cassford Code of Conduct*)

My Gem with a stolen phone 😉

Be honest with your kids (not to a fault, but trust that the kids will understand – and they will) and they will learn to be honest themselves. If you made a mistake, tell them. If you truly forgot, but really wanted to remember, tell them that. If you committed a disgraceful act, spoke a wicked phrase, or had an impure motivation, they will be able to relate to you more than you realize. When you are honest with them, they will respect, and look up to you, all the more. This doesn’t mean airing out every piece of dirty laundry in your closet, just when an opportunity presents itself either to teach, or to relate in a time of discouragement, be honest about circumstances God has allowed you to work through.

 

*As my children were growing, I created a Code of Conduct; specific words to describe what I call a Character of Courage.  I wanted my children to have a rock solid character that would stand the test of time, and industry, as the world changes and the school systems can’t keep up with the rapid change of technology — and the jobs that it creates.  I have found that an employer is far more likely to teach you how to do the job they have for you if you are responsible, honest, diligent, and kind.  I have focused on building strong character convictions in them, and that starts by defining some words… I call it our Code of Conduct.  You can find the “Cassford Code of Conduct” on the resource page.

Too Many Experts

Photo by Wes Hicks

I was speaking with a co-worker of mine the other day. She has a young boy who is nearly two and a girl on the way, so we often talk about child rearing. The first time she was pregnant she had such a great intention to provide everything for her son “the right way.” I admired her desire, and obvious love for the child (which began before she had ever met him).

Her second pregnancy however has been different. She confessed to me that the first pregnancy she was so concerned that she would do it wrong it was nearly a problem. Then of course there were the times when things did go wrong, and with that came concern and worry that something was going to be ruined.

I related to her, that day, in many ways because the first time you do anything there is an extreme desire to do it “right,” especially when its something that you love, or are excited about (pregnancy usually fits that category exactly).

So many new parents read books, blogs, and community pages and are often concerned about development at the “right time,” and after the child is born then they stress that the child is developing at on the schedule the ‘experts’ say they should.  There are books on how to make babies sleep (don’t get me started on the facedown/faceup controversy), how to hold them to stop them from crying, whether they should be on a strick schedule or not, whether or not they should sleep with you, whether they should learn to fall asleep in the car, whether… whether… … until you’re weathered!

During the conversation with my friend something came to mind that I think we can all benefit from:

These days,

THERE ARE TOO MANY EXPERTS.

Photo by Rita Morais

Child rearing is the prime example, but it does spread to all aspects of life (think about the diet ‘industry’). You can find an “expert” nowadays that will tell you just about anything.  But there is a truth that is so true no one wants to say it.  Life does not have a cookie cutter fix.

Gone seem to be the days of finding a mentor, who knows you, that you trust in a given field of life and that you relying on their sage advice to lead you safely through.  I want to encourage you it doesn’t have to be that way. The honest answer from the eyes of a person you trust will always outweigh a book or a blog. But perhaps most importantly in the reality of this ‘sea of experts’ is that, when it comes to child rearing…

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR CENTURIES!

…and centuries before the experts ever wrote their books, or blogs. If you care for your child and you are paying attention, then you know your child as well, if not better than anyone else (since you are reading this I pretty sure you do).  Do you love your child? Are you doing everything you can to provide a loving environment and upbringing for them? Then I’m pretty sure you’re going to be o.k. The minutia of beds, baths, and beyond (:))are not the life changing choices they may seem to be at the time.

So don’t let the way it “should” be done according to “John Smith” stress you out. If you try to be the best father you can be, you are miles ahead.

I know it’s a bit counter-intuitive to disparage book writers and bloggers on my blog, but the intention here is simply to set into perspective the reasonable use of tools such as this blog and website… and in all honesty the purpose of this ministry is to give tools, and expression, to the dads that already do care.

At the end of the day, the definition of an expert has to do with performing that craft for 10,000 hours. In that perspective you could call me an expert, but don’t be afraid to disagree with experts – especially when it comes to parenting YOUR child. Personalities are different, and you know your kids better than anyone. There are many times that the experts with disagree, and yet both be right.

So, be encouraged! You can do this Dad thing! Just try. You are a hero! You are the Man!

You Are The Man!

My brother, my dad, and me.

Men (and ladies who also read this blog),
Sorry it’s been a while, but if I’m not being this kind of Dad to my kids, then none of this means anything… thanks for your patience, and look for more resources in the days to come!  Now, where were we…?  Oh, yeah, YOU ARE THE MAN!!

Your children’s concept of what it means to be a man is entirely wrapped up in who you are for the first 3-5 years of their lives, and beyond that it remains, as a filter through which they see all other versions of man.

For example, If you treat your children’s mother with contempt and with a curt tone, your children will think it is an appropriate way to treat other people; how women should be treated. If you live aloof, and make work or hobbies more important than time with your kids, they will believe that tasks, and time, are more important than people.  If you “never at any time displease [them] by asking, ‘why have you done thus and so?’” (said of David’s parenting of his son Adonijah (I Kings 1:6)) they will grow up believing that they should have everything they desire, simply because they want it, at the expense of anyone necessary – even you.  (Not everything we learn from King David is to good example.)

Along similar lines, your children’s personal behavior is molded by watching your (and mom’s) daily example. When I say daily example, it does largely mean patterns of behavior, but it does NOT EX-clude anomalies in your behavior – especially once they have reached an age of understanding the difference between right and wrong. Remember the initial hard-wire says ‘Dad doesn’t do wrong,’ …but you do, and when you do, make sure that you show remorse, and ask for forgiveness, thereby giving a great example of repentance.

Of all the comprehension, I had of the “monkey-see monkey-do” reality of parenting, I was still surprised in my own life at how my children are becoming nearly carbon copies of how I handle situations, especially those that don’t go the way I would like (probably because those are the ones that I don’t handle well). This continues to be a shocking reality of how I am the Man of the house.

This is a glimpse into how being “The Man” is not as glamorous as the music industry wants to make it. This, too, is why the husband is the head of the household, just like Christ is head of the church – because He took on all the responsibility for His people.

As final instructions to the church in Corinth, the Apostle Paul leaves the church with a charge, he says, “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all you do be done in love.”

Remember, when Paul says act like men, he doesn’t mean scratch your butt, burp, and watch football. This is why the definition from Robert Lewis is so important to me and my family. And be sure not to forget: “let all you do be done in love.” There will be times their mother doesn’t agree with you, especially on personal preferences because women think differently than we do, but if you let all you do be done in love you will always be seeking a similar direction.

So, why have I said all this? Because I want to encourage you to:

Be the man, today, you want your son to become; your daughter to marry.

You ARE the man. So, be the man! Take a stand on what is right, and lead your family through responsibility, courage, and keeping your eyes on Jesus. Don’t be passive. Don’t make excuses why you can’t… just do it. Be the Man of your house.