When I was a boy, my mother did everything she could to make sure that she treated my brother, and I… and eventually my sister “fairly.” If ever she bought one of us a school folder, she made sure she bought one for each of the other kids as well. Even to the point of having to put our names on most of our belongings because “it was just like my brothers.” I have a feeling that this is not abnormal in my generation.
I recall one Christmas, at my mother-in-law’s house, when the last of the presents were being opened and she discovered that my brother-in-law had one less gift than the rest of us. She frantically ran immediately to the garage and found something to wrap and give to him so that he would have an equal number of gifts. I love my mother-in-law, and I don’t say this to her shame, but to highlight her diligent pursuit of keeping things equal, or fair, for her children. My own mother behaved in similar “fairness,” and as I grew up, and entered parenthood, I thought the fairness principle was the best course of action.
I have discovered differently. I discovered that each of my four children is quite different. They are different in the way they think, the way they love, the way they get inspired, the way they work, and the way they handle discipline.
Because each child is created differently (which you know if you, too, have multiple children) they will respond differently to your discipline as well. For instance, if I were to require my daughter to spend an entire day alone, as discipline for an inappropriate relational behavior she would feel a tremendous weight. However, if I were to do the same thing to my son, he would hardly even think of it as a discipline. He would remember that behavior so that he could get some more alone time.
What I have come to realize is that parenting each child differently is not only more “fair,” but it is in many ways vital to their development. It also gives a wonderful opportunity to remind them that they are unique, on purpose, and you are responding specifically to the way God has wired them. In many ways, it is more loving to parent according to each child’s “bent”, than lateral arbitrary “justice” across the family.
This is where “The 5 Love Languages” has come in very handy. Knowing the way my children feel loved, is vital to the impulse for justice. When a child’s love tank is full, they are far less inclined to feel left out, or jealous of their siblings.
“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”
Dad… I challenge you to study your children! As much as I would council a Husband to study his wife (and he should), knowing your children is a necessary component to training them in the way that they should walk. Know your children, get to know them, and act toward them with the understanding that you have gained.
Do you know your each of your children’s “Love Languages?” Do you know what I mean by that? You can get this resource here, if you don’t. We all receive love differently, and it’s important that you know how each of your children receives love, so that you can make them feel the love you are trying to give them.
You can do it! C.A.S.T. your love upon your children today in their “language!”
