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Building Discernment

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As a parent, I have found teachable moments all over the place. From nature to movies, there are object lessons all over if you are looking for them. Of course, then there is the idea of intentionally allowing your kids what I will call “fringe content,” in order to avoid being militant and to intentionally build discernment.

I have encountered parents that are deathly afraid of their children hearing anything outside the realm of scripture, especially if the myths involved engage in activities in direct opposition to the instructions in the Bible. I grew up with friends whose parents made these decisions for their children, and I currently have contemporaries that strive to strain out any myths that are not completely “accurate” from reaching their children… including Santa Claus! What I have noticed is that when the kids get a taste of the myths beyond their parents walls, they fall for them as if they were truths.

I understand the desire to protect your child, and I highly respect that aim. I would alternatively like to suggest that one of the best ways to protect the mind of a child is to strengthen it, and nothing works better at strengthening, than adversity. Where does your child go to know right from wrong? Who do they seek out when the encounter a question about truth, or justice? Their hero! That’s you! …and You have a far greater role than you imagine.

When my kids were younger I made a diligent effort to screen all content before allowing my children to see it. You as Dad along with their mother (should) know your kids better than anyone and get to decide what is appropriate and what is not… and when.  DO THIS.  I have often had the conversation that, “it is our job to raise you, and just because “Billy’s mom” lets him watch or see that, doesn’t mean that we have to approve it for you too.” Then as they got older, I defaulted to a rating’s age recommendation if I hadn’t seen the film, or TV show, as well as reviews from places like pluggedin.com.  I distinctly remember a conversation about “just because you’ve seen the rating before doesn’t mean you can again until I have seen it.”

Allowing certain edgy influences, at appropriate ages, will strengthen their will to seek the truth, especially if you talk about it – and you can start the conversation because you allowed that influence to be there.

THIS IS VITAL:
The follow-up conversation is gold! It will allow you to understand how they see the fringe things that life can bring at them, but that are different than how you taught them to live and point that out – that you taught them differently. It will open up conversation like nothing else. This is where you will inherently teach them to be discerning. But remember it is vitally important to have those follow-ups, because otherwise you are letting the fringe content teach your children, and hoping that their discernment is good enough…

Overall, however, I advise that you not be afraid to use ‘stories,’ movies, or myths to help your children understand the truths about life. Just make certain that you discuss how those stories may differ from the truth that you are teaching them.

Speaking truth, in a world that is trying to teach you that truth is in the eye of the beholder, I want to comment to you holding truth up to God’s Word as a measuring stick. It is very beneficial to share with your children opportunities to use the “measuring stick,” because you can oversee the growth of their discernment and guide it accordingly. The concept that I’m standing between is that truth comes from God’s Word, even if man made myth uses it for their superhero stories, and you can point that out time and again when you are sharing this experience with them. You can also point out when it veers from what God’s word says. Did you know that God created men to be heroes? That’s where the concept for these masked avengers comes from, and as a father He made you to be a hero.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Cole Hutson

Dad… I challenge you to get discuss with your kids the content that they are looking at right now. In what ways is it God-honoring? Is it good vs evil where good wins? character building? Search for a redeeming quality – if it doesn’t have any, should they be engaging/watching it? Then, ask them, what parts are not God-honoring, and how? Point out how media often can influence the way we look at important parts of life, and tell them you love them enough to do your best to protect their mind from things that are not the truth of the life God has given us.

You can do it! Open the lines of discussion on what your kids are allowing into their eyes, ears, and lives!

Build Me a Son

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[The following I found in a collection of stories called “Stories for the Heart”]

by General Douglas A. MacArthur

Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishbone will not be where his backbone should be; a son who will know Thee – and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

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Lead him, I pray , not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here, let him learn to stand up in the storm; here, let him learn compassion for those who fall.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goals will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will learn to laugh, yet never forget how to weep; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of a true wisdom, the meekness of true strength. Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, ” I have not lived in vain.”

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The Hero of Their Story – You Are a Hero (7 of 7)

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YOU ARE THE HERO OF THEIR CHILDHOOD STORY

Your children will (if they haven’t already) give you this mantel, all you have to do is take it.  All you have to do is, “Be the person she already thinks you are!” It is true, not just in Ant-Man, but in your life too!

You are a father.  This did not happen by accident, no matter what the “science” says.  You have been chosen to father a child of your own making and you are the perfect one to do it.  So be encouraged that however you came to be the father of a child, you are of pivotal significance in the life of that child.

Believe it or not your kids will push boundaries, simply to see if you think they are worth the fight.  SO, FIGHT!  There is a world out there that is fighting for your child’s attention and loyalty, and if you aren’t doing anything to stop it, this world will chew up your children and spit them back out.  But you can stop it; you can fight it.

You are the hero of their story.

Don’t get lost in your own self-doubt, or self-centeredness.  Fight for your children whether you have boys, or girls.  Girls specifically want to know if you think they are worth fighting for, but in our emasculating society your boys need you to fight for their manhood and show them how to get there.  This world will do whatever it can to distract your boys from finding authentic manhood, so don’t let it.  Both genders need someone to stand up and show them what it is to be a man.  One is looking for a man to follow, and the other is looking for a man to emulate. You are that man.

God has given you a beautiful gift, not only in the mother of your children, but in the offspring, themselves.  So, you have a responsibility.  This doesn’t have to be overwhelming (if you’re not feeling that yet, just you wait).  The excitement will turn to concern about doing it right or living up to your potential as a dad, but I want to reassure you:

You have what it takes to be a great dad!

As we’ve discussed C.A.S.T. your love upon your children in these ways (inspired by our comic book heroes):

Love their mother to the best of your ability for their sake, if not only for hers.  They will grow up with a keener understanding of appropriate relationships (even if yours is strained), than if you constantly treat her as if she is not important to you.  Remember their mother is one of the most important people in your child(ren)’s life.

Respect, and love (in the true sense of the word), the mother of your children regardless of your status with her.  For the good of your children, the sake of the Lord, and for the betterment of your own relationship.

Rescue them when they think they need it, not only when you believe it to be required. Rally behind them, and rally their support for the right path for their lives and livelihood.  Respond to them in appropriate ways: in tone, in kindness, in words, in love!

Engage with “your people; your city” on a daily basis. You are their hope, here on earth.  You protect, provide, and they find pride in who you are.  Consistently show them that you are proud that they are yours, and validate them as individuals and family members.

Make a big deal over your child(ren) for their own good. You don’t have to wear a costume (unless it will make a good point), and your entrances can be as modest, or immodest, as you’d like them to be, but your child(ren) saying things like “why are you acting like it’s the end of the world,” is not necessarily the worst thing that could happen.  In many ways, their lives, or at least their character, truly do depend on it.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Les Anderson

Dad… I challenge you to engage your child(ren) this week.  Set aside time to: have a meal together; play a game together; hike a mountain together and lean into your role as the hero in their lives.  Give them, not only your money, but your time and yourself.

You can do it! Engage your superhero skills with your kids this week!

Make a Big Deal – You Are a Hero (6 of 7)

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A HERO MAKES A BIG DEAL OUT OF ORDINARY THINGS

Have you ever dreamed of driving the Batmobile?  I mean, what a car, right?  It’s funny how super heroes have a special vehicle that is extraordinary (if they can’t fly themselves or run faster than the speed of sound), because they’ve got to get around right?  But why do they have such “wonderful toys?” They could just as easily get downtown taking the bus or driving the minivan.  They could, but you know deep down that wouldn’t be the same!  There is even something inside of you, Dad, that inspires you to get a heroic vehicle (or at least desire one).  However, even if Batman drove up in a black Ford Raptor with off-road suspension, and claw mark decals on the sides it wouldn’t quite fit the bill.

A Hero’s got to make a big deal!

From the grand entrances to the dramatic saving the day at the last minute a hero makes things that would be mole-hills, in our everyday lives, into earth-shattering mountains.  It is important as a father to make a big deal of your children and their behaviors, both good and bad.

Most children thrive on encouragement. 

Think of a child learning how to walk.  They are excited to try to get to the waiting arms of an adult because they are heavily encouraged to do so.   And when they are infants we don’t seem to have a problem making a fool out of ourselves to encourage them to the next stage of mobility and growth.  For some reason, however, once they start walking many of us flip a switch from encouraging to discouraging behaviors (mostly because they are getting into all of our stuff!).  I want to inspire each of you to continue to make a big deal with your child(ren).  I don’t mean keep making the “goo-goo face,” but there definitely should be a heightened response to them and their behavior.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

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Dad… I challenge you to make a big deal about your children’s progress today.  Encourage them.  Build them up.  Don’t fear them becoming conceited, or over confident, make sure they know that you are on their team – their biggest cheerleader.  Confidence will even-out as they get older, and when you begin to see the confidence build you can adjust your reactions proportionately.

You can do it! Especially when they are young, make a big deal.

Engage! – You Are a Hero (5 of 7)

A HERO IS ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS

Do you know the people of Wakanda or Sukovia? How about Starling City or Astro City? What about Gotham City? Have you ever been to any of these places? Of course you haven’t, because they are cities and regions that don’t exist.  These are cities that were created for the express purpose of giving a super hero a city to defend and a people with which to engage.  Many of these cities are modeled after cities comic book readers would know, but they are fictitious in an effort to devote a place and a people to these heroes – or, more aptly, so that these heroes can be devoted to a place and a people.

A comic book hero is known for his city.  If you were to search any of the above names, a superhero’s name would come up within the first three hits.  These heroes go hand in hand with their people; with their city.  In each individual-superhero comic, the primary action takes place with the people of that hero’s city.  Whether the hero is saving an elderly lady from muggers, stopping a (insert given hero’s city) City Bank robbery, or the ever famous helping someone get their cat out of a tree, the hero in the story is engaging with the people of his city.  He’s taking care of them, and they find hope in the presence of their hero.

The superhero is always putting his city’s good above his own.  In fact, much of the drama that takes place in the hero’s world is exactly that: a desire for a “normal life” of simplicity, but in the end making the tough call to put others before himself.  It’s present in our world too, sometimes we speak of it without even knowing it.  Often when we make the tough call it is common place for someone to call our decision heroic.  Putting someone else before yourself, especially to save them, is pretty much the definition of being a hero.  Merriam-Webster says, “supremely noble or self-sacrificing,” and “of a kind that is likely only to be undertaken to save a life.”

So, Mr. Hero, what people and place are you devoted to?  This is somewhat a rhetorical question, but how often do you think of your family this way?  Re-read the above description thinking of yourself as the superhero and your family as his city, his people.

We’ve already discussed that this is who you are, a hero, but do you behave this way with your children? are you devoted to them?  Don’t look at this as an insurmountable responsibility that you must live up to… or… that you can’t live up to.  These words have certain truths, and the reality of your situation, right now, is that you have been given the loyalty to do this.  Now, you may need some time to “grow” into that role, like I did, but the fact remains that you are the hero of your “city.”  Regardless of your past.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

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Dad… I challenge you to engage with “your people” today! Take care of them, be a part of their lives, make the everyday rescue.  You are their hero, and they long to look up to you, as the little girl who simply needed help when Whiskers got stuck in the tree.  It’s important to them, even when it seems trivial to you.  Take the time to make that “save” too!

You can do it!  Engage with your kids today.

Separated Dads Responding to Mom – You Are a Hero (4 of 7)

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Do you love the mother of your children?  In the last blog I talked about that being the number one thing to do as your child’s hero. But what if she’s no longer in your life?

I know that there are many of you who read this blog that may not be in a relationship, much less a healthy relationship, with the mother of your children.  This may already be something that has taken place and there is no rectifying the situation.  If that is the case for you, then, I would say that the number one thing for you, as the hero of your children is this:

Love their Mother.

God’s plans are the right way to do things, and though He is gracious with our decisions and can restore us with mercy, He doesn’t re-write His nature, or ours for that matter, because of human decisions. God still loves you, I don’t look at you differently, but know that the way God’s nature was set up, still functions the way it was designed.  Show love to her.

A HERO STILL PROTECTS THE CONFLICTED LOVE INTEREST

Going back to the comics, there are times when the writers choose to make the hero forsake his love, or she can’t handle being a distraction so she ends the relationship.  But do you know what happens?  The hero still protects and is concerned for this woman, heroically putting the realities of emotion aside, he genuinely models love as an act of taking care of the person to whom he had pledged his love, once upon a time.  You can be that hero!  Yes, it will be hard, but you are a hero, you can handle it!

The hardest part of a child growing up with a Mom and Dad who are separated is having to choose sides, and feeling that if they only did _______ better/more/right then Mom and Dad would get along.  Don’t make them choose sides!  Take up the Responsibility of building up the mother of your children, no matter how she treats you, show her love and model how a Man treats a woman for God’s sake, for your children’s sake, if not necessarily for hers.

The concepts that are included here are for your children’s sake.  Research, primarily, using the books that are on the recommended reading list, personal experience, and most importantly the Word of God are what has lead me to compile this blog.  Through these concepts, I want to encourage you, wherever you are coming from, that you can look forward through the eyes of the hero God made you to be and see a bright future with your child(ren) achieving the potential that is within them.

You can be the person they already believe you to be. 

Don’t believe the lie that it is too late.  You are the key to unlocking freedom within them, to achieve great things.

You are their hero!

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

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Dad… I challenge you to build up the mother of your children, if she lives in your house, if she’s wrong, if she has left you (or vice-versa), if she is no longer living.  Always build her up, whether she’s present or not.

 

You can do it! Show love to the mother of your children.

Love Their Mother – You Are a Hero! (3 of 7)

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A HERO HAS A LOVE INTEREST THAT GETS PRIORITY

It seems that when a villain wants to truly wreak havoc, he pits the hero with a difficult choice between saving millions of people or saving the woman that he loves, knowing that this will tear the superhero apart even before he makes the decision to save his love interest, or push himself to the limits of what he believed he was capable of, and save both.

A hero’s love always gets priority.   In every decision, he makes, the hero is thinking about how it will affect the woman that he loves.  The writers often play with the concept of a hero’s ability to even have a love interest, and lately they flow with society and say that he can’t.  And yet he continues to find a love interest in the next episode, because that is one of the conventions of a superhero.  However, this is where my use of this part of the analogy will stop, because life is not a comic book, they are just written with inherent relate-able conventions.

Dad, you have a love interest.  That’s how you came to be a hero.  Love her.  Make your wife the priority of your life.  The reality of life, is that the world can take a back seat to your wife, and yes that even includes your children.

Ephesians 5:25-28, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water, with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

It may seem odd that one of the best things you can do for your children is doing something for someone else, but the reality of the situation lies in this: your children learn what a healthy marriage relationship is meant to be, by watching you.  If you love your wife, they will know what it means to love their wife, if the Lord grants them that blessing someday (and daughters will learn how a man should love her).  Not to mention, the respect that a man is to show a woman becomes a consistent lesson that they cannot miss.  They want your marriage to thrive, it gives them hope and security – especially in a world that does not value the sanctity of marriage.

*I know that there are men out there who are no longer (or never were) married to the mother of their child(ren)… I understand this reality and I invite you to come back Monday at 5:35 for the next post.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Hian Oliveira

Dad… I challenge you to put your wife first!  I’m going to give you permission right now:

It’s O.K. for your children to take 2nd place, to your wife, in your life on earth.

It’s actually healthy.  Your spouse will be with you for the rest of your life (Lord willing), while your children will grow and then find lives of their own.  How better for you to teach the building blocks of a healthy interpersonal adult relationship (and how to work out the problems of that healthy relationship) than to model it every day right in front of them.  They need to see you function as a couple, or in God’s eyes, as ONE.

You can do it! Before you C.A.S.T. your love on your children today, make your wife a priority!

Rescue, Rally, Respond – You Are a Hero (2 of 7)

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Who is your hero?

Answers will be widely varied across the scope of mankind, from Superman to “my granddad,” from Walter Payton, to William Wallace, to the fireman who lives down the street.  Whoever your hero is, there are a few actions that were evident in their lives, and though the words you use might be different I’d like to point out three actions that, my gut tells me, everyone of them accomplished at one stage or another.

RESCUE – transitive verb
: to free from confinement, danger, or evil : save, deliver: such as
a : to take (someone, such as a prisoner) forcibly from custody
b : to recover (something, such as a prize) by forcec : to deliver (a place under siege) by armed force

RALLY – transitive verb
1a : to muster for a common purpose
b : to recall to order
2a : to arouse for action
b : to rouse from depression or weakness

RESPOND – transitive verb
: reply
intransitive verb
1: to say something in return : make an answer
respondto criticism
2a : to react in response
respondedto a call for help
b : to show favorable reaction
respondto surgery
3: to be answerable
respondin damages

Your hero did at least one, if not all three of these things. The reason I point these things out, is that as you seek to be the hero your children already think that you are, these are key points and action steps that will help that concept continue to be the reality for your family.

Think about your hero…

Rescue

  • in what areas did he rescue you or someone else?
  • how can you rescue your children?
  • (keep in mind sometimes that means letting them get into a little trouble but being ready to save them.)

Rally

  • in what ways did your hero rally those around him toward a specific purpose?
  • how, and in what direction, can you rally your children so that they follow an edifying course of life?

Respond

  • in what manner did your hero respond to those who came to him for help?
  • how can you respond in like manner no matter what attitude, tone, or inappropriateness is thrown at you?

(*This post is picking up where the post You Are A Hero left off, as a #2 to form a series of a total of 7 posts)

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Sydney Rae

Dad… I challenge you to take 30 minutes or so, and honestly think through the kind of hero you want to be. Of course, there is none better than you, the idea is to put into words how you admired someone which will give you actionable ideas to build your own heroic reputation. I encourage you to review these questions, and your answers, periodically.  It will help keep a good perspective.

You can do it! Become the hero your children already think you are!  Rescue them when they need it, rally their young minds, and respond to them by C.A.S.T. ing your love on them.

Myths, Heroes, and Stories

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Some years ago I came home, two days before my oldest son was to go away to camp, to discover that he had a black eye and cuts on his face.  My first emotion was concern, about what had caused these marks… but there was also a bit of: “who do I need to convince that this is my boy and you can’t treat him this way!”  However, upon investigation I realized that he had simply had an accident.

He had recently seen a video with a super hero in it, and seeking to emulate that hero, he tied the bottom end of our rope swing to the back of his belt  …and it worked …for a minute.  The reality of that myth caught up with him, like an acorn caught in the law of gravity.

MYTHS AND HEROES
Let’s think about the concept of myth for a moment. Myths come about because man is seeking to either explain what is going on around him or seeking to enhance the truths he knows exist with a story who’s only limits are his imagination. Superheroes are a form of mythology. Just like the Greeks, the Norse-men, the ancient Egyptians, and yes that galaxy far, far away, these stories were based in the concepts of what their writers perceived the reality of their present to be …and created a ‘story’ of what could have been, or what could be. Yet these myths are grounded in a piece of reality.

Superheroes are no different than that same mythology which we all readily accept. In many ways, the mythology of the Marvel Universe is more well known today than any other myth your parents learned about in school, or to put it a little closer to home, perhaps, more than the religion we say we ascribe to. The reason I bring this up, is to focus on why imaginative men write stories the way they do.

Men write fantastical stories, like comic books and novels to highlight the truths about humanity. Many of these, turn into movies, and Television programs, but the reason they become popular is because of the truth that they often reveal. It is far easier for a man to see an extraordinary man in a costume struggle with his character flaw than for them to face the reality of their wife identifying their flaw, but not offering any solutions to fix it by the end of the episode – even if the issue is the same thing.

Beyond simply watching, or reading about, a superhero working through a character flaw, the attraction to the world of comic book heroes comes from the innate desire men have, to protect the innocent (and not just women).

A boy in his back yard will build a fort. Boys will play with toy guns or swords (and if those are not allowed they will find stick that looks like those things and pretend). This gender tendency does not come from a desire to inflict needless violence upon innocent people, but from a God-given bent toward defending innocent people from “evil invaders.” That’s why they build the fort, train the imaginary army, don the super hero costume. That’s why men write fantastical stories!

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

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Dad… I challenge you to inspire your children!  Read to them stories of bravery, perseverance, and courage.  Don’t be afraid of them using their imagination to make themselves out to be a hero, or a superhero, or the famous world-changer in their mythical story.  Pay attention.  The way they imagine, will be great insight into what they will like, love, and be passionate about as adults.  Inspire them to be those heroes, and build up their ability to imagine a better world!

You can do it! Inspire your kids today!  When they are supported by the one who C.A.S.T.s his love on them, they will believe with all their hearts that they can fly!