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Conversations at a Funeral

Celebration of Life Table
(Nancy’s Wake)

As you may know, from the last post, my mother-in-law (Nancy) was buried last week. The formality of family gathering, planning, attending a Wake, performing the ceremony, and laying her in the ground, was relatively new to my kids.  My boys, who are older, slightly remember their great grandparents passing, but they were quite young.  All four of my kids are at an age where the impact is significant, and so I intentionally made myself available so that our conversations could also be significant.

STEVEN
I specifically recall a conversation with my 16-year-old son, who asked what we were “doing.” This was after we had gotten dressed up, and saw “Granny” in her open casket, at the Wake.  We had been standing there while relatives spoke to one another, and my wife was greeted, and given condolences, by people she hadn’t seen in decades.  He was not engaged in anything, and so he was expecting to move on to something else.

“We are supporting “Papa Jack,” and your mother,” I told him.  It was an interesting moment to see his brain begin to wrap around how mere presence could be “support” during a time of grief.  And the boy who lives so much of his life in the fast paced technological world of social media and video games found the ability to control his desire for himself, and be ‘present’ with the family during a time when their experience with “Granny” led them to a different grief than he felt.

LUCY (11)
I approached my youngest daughter, who was standing alone at the casket which was holding the body of her “Granny,” and knelt beside her.  I quietly put my arm around her, and gave her opportunity to speak if she desired.

“I feel like she’s not there,” she said.

“Why do you think you feel that way?” I asked her.  I truly wanted to let her express her grief and understanding of the entire situation, right or wrong at the time, without “getting in the way.”

“I don’t feel like she’s there,” she said.  As I reflected on her observation, that may have seemed redundant,  I realized that she meant that she knew what it felt like when she was in the presence of her “Granny” and she didn’t feel that now.  Lucy had already cried (and would more in the days to come), but for her this wasn’t that time. She realized that we could remember, by looking at the body, but “Granny” was no longer there.

I am amazed at how the mind of a child works.  So much can be learned by simply listening, and pressing into their thoughts.

WESLEY
My oldest son’s coping mechanism was encapsulated largely by remembering the good times.  He has always been my most “positive” kid, and was a great support to his mother and our extended family.  We engaged in conversation about how the family fit together, and stories of the memories that were represented by objects on the “celebration of life” table, or in the picture slide show.

ALANA
My oldest daughter is a great comfort to those around her, and she sought out extended family and spent time with them to be ‘present’ during their grief, and brighten their otherwise gloomy day with her smile.

The Cassford Family

It was important to me (and I learned how important it is to my family) for me to be there.  I did my best to reassure them with my presence.  When we lose someone – especially someone close – there is grief to be had, but sometimes there is also fear.  Fear of who else is going to leave… of what would I do if I lost my mom/dad…

My family finds hope in Jesus Christ that we will be reunited one day.  I also found it important to reaffirm that my desire, and design (as much as it’s up to me), is to walk through these things together with them… standing by their side.

Taking the Kids to a Funeral

Nancy Nadine Gumb’s Casket

Death and kids don’t always go well together, but it is something that happens, no matter how much we’d like to shield our kids from it.  It is important to allow them the opportunity to grieve as much as you need that yourself.  Grieving is a healthy thing.  In ancient times they would stop everything for weeks to grieve, and so let’s not expect that, in our modern sensibilities, we need any less… in some cases, we need more.

Last week, the six of us made an eight-hour drive to Topeka, Kansas, for my Mother-in-Law’s Funeral.  There had been an accident which caused the death of my kid’s “Granny” almost a week prior, and we dropped everything and made the journey.

Granny had lived the last decade or so of her life in Kansas, while we live in Colorado.  The kids had gotten used to the concept of only seeing her every-so-often, but even still they had a great connection to her and felt the impact of her passing.

One of my daughters expressed, “…but she was the “Fun” one!”

Of course the tears came …which is healthy and right, but there was a strength that I saw in my family that was remarkable.  We kept the lines of communication as far open as possible, and spoke openly about the realities of life.  Everyone of my four children took it differently, because they all had their own experiences with her.  I made sure I was available for all of them.

Pall Bearers are Nancy’s Grandkids
(my boys are in black)

Death is where the rubber meets the road as far as your faith is concerned.  We are Bible-believing Christians who live out – to the best of our ability – what we believe.  I am convinced that this is where the strength comes from.  I watched as I informed my 11 year-old daughter that “Granny” was going to die, and I saw – through tears streaming down her face – the truth shine through in the words that expressed her heart.

“God is taking care of it,” she said.

She knows, that because of what Jesus Christ did for all mankind, death is not the end.  She has personally accepted that truth.  We will miss Granny, but as I was reminded, multiple times throughout the week, that the entire Bible has been written, as was the letter the Apostle Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, to teach us that there is hope:

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.  For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God.  And the dead in Christ will rise first.”
— 1 Thessalonians 4:13-16

This hope held our family up during this time of loss.  I could see it in my wife who spoke and sung at the ceremony (yes sung – through tears – because her mother always loved to hear her sing).  I saw it in my girls faces as they carried out the formal traditions we have come to perform at a funeral.  I saw it in the somber faces of my boys as they carried the casket, and yet spoke freely about the truth of life and death that same day.  We grieved, but not without hope, and the conversations during that “formal time” of the wake, and the journey to the cemetery allowed me to guide the understanding my children have about death to a healthy place.

And so, while all six of us dropped everything to make a special trip out to Topeka, we did not do it grieving as those “who have no hope.”  We did it grieving the loss, but celebrating the life that she lived, and that we get to live through her genes in my kids, knowing that she is no longer in pain and that we will see her again.

Nancy Nadine Gumb

Don’t Talk “Down” to Them

Photo by Waqar on Unsplash

When my second son was around two, we were sitting at a restaurant that had butcher paper on the table tops. My older son was sitting in a chair next to his mother, and on the other side (the booth side) of the table is where my second son and I sat. As we waited for our food, all of us were engaged in drawing, and playing pencil games (tic-tac-toe, etc) on the butcher paper. We were so engaged in our activity that I did not realize that my son kept moving left to find clean paper on which to draw, and I would respond by moving left as well. This action meant that Steven was moving toward me and that I was moving toward the end of the booth. Then came the moment that I realized that I was nearly falling off the end of the booth.

I looked at my son, and said to him with a laugh, “you are usurping my space.”

I realized that the boy was only learning to talk and though he had a decent vocabulary by this point he was only 2 years old so, he probably (most certainly) did not understand the word that I had used.

I said to my two-year-old son, “Can you say: usurping?”

And he said, “I’m surping,” skillfully conjugating the base word with what he had inherently learned thus far about the English language:  If I told him “you – (something),” then he had discovered that it must mean he says “I – (something).”

Genius!

I have had many conversations with youth leaders, teachers, and parents who “talk down” to the kids, or use the term dumb-it-down when they are teaching certain material.  As much as kids are captured by certain colors and sounds, because of developing mental expression, don’t miss that kids are smart!!! In fact, arguably smarter than you from an interval of learning standpoint. In a traditional relationship with, healthy people on both sides, the only difference between your intelligence level and your child’s, is experience and vocabulary! Of course be animated and increase your energy, but don’t talk down to them, just talk to them.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Sebastián LP on Unsplash

So, Dad… I challenge you, if you have toddlers or older, talk to your child(ren), today, like they are experiencing life the same way you do. “How is your day going?” … ” What was your favorite part of your day?” and then LISTEN. Once your kids begin to talk, or course you have to talk with their vocabulary, but you don’t have to compromise the meanings of what you’re trying to say to “dumb-it-down.”

You can do it! Talk with your kid(s) today!

Do You Want to Go Fast, or really, really Fast?!

Photo by Chris Becker on Unsplash

I work with a gentleman who is a few years older than I, divorced, and recently has found the joy of children, whether seeing them in the restaurant, out “riding the bike” (as he says), or taking pictures of families – as is his new hobby. He seems to have had a good home life, and respects his dad greatly. We have had many conversations about “Dad’s role” and the influence it has on a child.

Recently, he was telling me of a time that he was admiring a fellow bike enthusiast who had a small trailer attached to the back of his bicycle with a child in it. The Dad stopped his bike at the top of a hill, and turned to look at his child.

“Do you want to go fast, or do you want to go really, really fast,” he said.

I could see in the face of my co-worker that the moment jogged a memory and a comfort, that he had had long ago, and it made me think about the “fun” of dad.  I immediately jotted down the account to tell it to you!

Dad, have fun with your children. Yes, have fun that you enjoy – because you know that the dad in my friends account that day wanted to go really, really, fast… but also, enjoy the fun that they enjoy…  Yes… enjoy the fun that they enjoy! Press into the opportunities you have to step into their world, and enjoy a tea party, a board game, or participate in a costume parade. You can use your children as an excuse if it seems embarrassing, or beneath you to “lower yourself to that type of frivolity.”

A man who allows childish things to invade his life, for the sake of his child, is an honorable man.

Engage them in the things you enjoy as well, and they, most likely, will enjoy it too. While at the same time, don’t forget to seek out the things that they enjoy… they will see that you are stepping out of your comfort zone and it will touch them even more.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Game Night with my Kids

So, Dad… I challenge you to have fun with your children today. 2 specific times, seek out a time to enjoy them:
1. Seek to do, and enjoy, something that they consider to be fun (especially if you don’t at first)
2. Invite them to join you in something (age appropriate) that you enjoy, and tell them why you enjoy it.

You can do it! Have fun with your kid(s) today!

Build a Trust Relationship

 

Photo by Nick Wilkes on Unsplash

One of the most difficult parts of being a dad, is consistency. The patterns that we live by are picked up by our children and become part of their “normal.” The trouble is if you have a habit, or pattern of behavior that is not

something you are proud of there will be no distinction in the lives of your children, and they will accept that pattern as acceptable.

So, let me encourage you toward building a pattern of trust with your kids. If you say you are going to do something, do it to the best of your ability. When you know that there is something that they really desire, show them that you seek to accomplish it for them – even if it means bringing up your desire along with the realities of why it can’t be accomplished yet.

Specifically, for the safety that your child feels in coming to you with their “issues,” build a pattern of trust when they are small so that it is a pattern in their lives to bring you their troubles. You wont feel that this habit is drastically important when your first child is small, but if you wait till you feel it is necessary it will be to late… so start now. One of my greatest fears is that one of my children will get into trouble, and then not tell me – because I have made them feel that they can’t make mistakes.

I have volunteered in the middle school ministry at our church for years, and the most heart-breaking moments are those when an adolescent boy has been cut to the core by an authentic message from God and is siting before me in humility confessing sin in his life while in tears because of the severity (in his mind) of what he has done, and he requests for me not to tell his parents because ‘they wouldn’t understand.’

I have tried to lay a foundation of trust with my kids, that allows them to feel comfortable talking about many different things that may seem awkward or embarrassing to others, but because we began early in life – when they were still learning “how life works”- those feelings are not as common. This is where the concept for “Dad Talks: Sex” came from. Consistency is the key to this, but the way you interact with them, when they are ‘foolish’ or ‘ignorant’ to something that you think is simple, plays a big role as well.

Build a trusting relationship with them now, you will need that track record later in their lives when the “wheels come off.”

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Elijah Hiett on Unsplash

So, Dad… I challenge you to build trust with your children today. Devote 15 minutes to discovering your take on a given subject. Do your best to dig deeper than just “it was cool,”

but don’t push so that the get exasperated with you. Simply show interest in what they are interested in, and let them tell you about it. The idea is making them comfortable talking with you, about anything… trust me, it will come in handy in the future. No judgement, just listening, and understanding.

You can do it! Have build a trust relationship with your kid(s) today!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

(“…find out what it means to me” — Aretha Franklin)

Photo by Zach Savinar on Unsplash

Society tries to teach us that respect must be earned, or deserved, before it can be given.
I disagree. Especially when it comes to children.

Most parents would agree that unconditional love is the key to a healthy upbringing, and on paper that sounds like the key… but what does that look like? Is there an element in this concept that can be categorized as unconditional respect?

Your children will not deserve respect. Does that mean that you should disrespect them? Call them out in front of their peers? shame them in front of their heroes?
“…well when you say it like that…”

I heard a radio broadcast that included best selling author, Shaunti Feldhahn, on respect. She mentioned a survey that astounded, though didn’t really surprise, me:
400 american men were surveyed and asked this:

Would you rather:
“…be left alone & abandoned in the world?”
or
“…be viewed as inadequate & disrespected by everyone?”

75% of the men said they would rather be alone and abandoned!!!

If you desire to be respected, and to feel like you have what it takes, don’t you think that your children (specifically your sons) want that as well?

So, do your best to show them respect, whether they deserve it or not. Oh, and when you fail… take ownership of your mistake, apologize, and build them up appropriately.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Elijah Hiett on Unsplash

Dad… I challenge you to show respect for your children today. Even though they DON’T deserve it. Find 3 opportunities to build them up, because of “who you believe they are capable of being.” Directly tell your son(s) that he has what it takes to do what is in front of him (and show him). Directly tell your daughter(s) that you love, honor, and delight in her (and show her).

You can do it! Show respect to your kid(s) today!

Be That Man, Today!

Photo by Sabine van Straaten on Unsplash

As men, we often get caught up in who we could be, and stop thinking about who we are right now.  I personally live in my ideals more than I live in my reality.  Or perhaps you’re the opposite, and the world of ideals and goals escapes you because your reality is so vivid.  Whichever man you are, or seem to be right now, I want to encourage you to:

BE THE MAN TODAY YOU WANT YOUR SON TO BECOME; YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY

Your children’s concept of what it means to be a man is entirely wrapped up in who you are for the first 3-5 years of their lives, and beyond that it remains, as a filter through which they see all other versions of a man.

Are you who you want your kids to shape their model of a man after?  You can be!  It will take some sacrifice, and perhaps leaving a few things behind that you enjoyed as a young man… but it will be worth it, I promise.  Your kids (may not realize it, but they) will thank you.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Clique Images on Unsplash

So, Dad… I want to challenge you! Pour into the next generation, for their good – which may mean cleaning up your act.  Take an honest look at yourself, mention the reflection to your spouse, or someone who knows you well (and can candidly speak into your life), and see if there is anything that you have a habit of doing that is not what you’d like to see in your son, or in the man your daughter will marry… and get rid of it.

You can do it! Sacrifice for your children today!

The Model of a Man

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

From the moment your child was born you were their hero. In fact, there is a massive correlation between how your children see you and how they will someday see God. You gave them life. You were the difference between life and just another egg that got discarded from their mother’s womb during her “time of the month.” You have the role of provider, protector, and preacher (Yes, they will believe what you say over what others say without hardly thinking twice… at least at first).

That’s good news, right? But consider this: As honest as you can be with yourself, are you the man right now you want your son to aspire to be? or your daughter to look for in a future husband? Because if you have spent any time with them, they are actively shaping their model of a man after you. Now, keep in mind that your children are not going to be a carbon copy of you because there’s mom genes involved too, but they value your opinion (and want to make it their own), and they are actively seeking to make you proud of them by doing what they see you do. Just like a young boy, who dons the costume of his favorite superhero.

The best part of this truth, is that it is not difficult to validate them if you simply try, because they already look up to you. Simple phrases like “great job,” “I knew you could do it,” and “I am proud of you” are like gold to them because they look up to their hero.  Think of these phrases as teachable moments. Though they are not quite an analogy or a lesson, when you take a moment to build up your kid(s) you are teaching them that you believe in them, love them, and are behind them – which is great curriculum.

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”
So, Dad… I challenge you to find at least 3 times to validate your child(ren) today! The progress their making on a school project, the way they’ve done their chores… (yes, I said chores), even simply doing what you asked them to do.
(My kids like to try to be funny, and I admit that there are times where my own whit gets in the way of telling them that what they said was funny. I have to try hard to build them up in this area, but it’s worth it – they are funny, they’re my kids)
You can do it! Find 3 things to build up your kid(s) today!

The Lebron James Analogy

Photo by Sabri Tuzcu on Unsplash

Imagine if you were playing a pick-up basketball game after work, and Lebron James just happened to be passing by, he saw a drive you took to the basket to score, and then made it a point to stop and tell you that it was a nice move. You would be beside yourself thrilled (if you like basketball) … to your kids, a compliment from you is like that! (better than that!) Even if the sports analogy means nothing to you, you can understand how it would be a huge deal for someone who is at the top of the industry or activity that you are passionately involved in, to take the time to compliment you.

Your kids automatically think you are the best at everything. So, make sure you take the time to build them up, even when the only praiseworthy thing you find is progress. “You are getting better at that!”, “That’s so much better than last time, great job!” That may sound too simplified, corny, juvenile… but hey, aren’t we you dealing with juveniles here?! (and when your kids are grown only the vocabulary changes – they still crave the validation)

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

So, Dad… I challenge you make it a point to go out of your way to encourage your child(ren), today. Sincerely, tell them that you love them because they are yours. If you see something that they’ve done, that they’ve been working on, or you’ve been asking but haven’t seen yet, make the encouragement even bigger and let them know that you see them and love them – not just because of what they’ve done, but because of who they are… they are yours!

You can do it! Make a concerted effort to encourage your kid(s) today!

Just Try

Photo taken from Ometepe Island on Mission Trip

About three years ago, I had an opportunity to be part of a mission trip to Nicaragua, with my son. We went to the informational meeting primarily for my son Wesley who was 15 at the time, and part of his “15 Year Challenge” include going on a mission trip that year. At the meeting, which was held by a gentleman whom I had known for a few years, at that point. He expressed to the group that this particular trip was more about building up the local pastors and staff, than it would be about building and outreach. After the meeting he came up to me and told me that I would be a great asset to the team because of my background in teaching, and teaching teachers to teach, in our children’s ministry.

At airport headed to Nicaragua

As it turned out both my son and I went together – a great opportunity! I was tasked with giving a workshop on what it means to be a father, and my son was able to team teach with me. As we discussed the content we would present I spoke to him candidly one day about my fathering. Rather than simply asking him how I was doing (which I did ask at a later time), I asked him how much it meant to him that I was simply trying to teach him what it means to be a man. His answer was,
“It’s everything.”

With those simple words, and my understanding of who he is and how he thinks, I was edified immensely toward being a better father than I was the day before. This from the mouth of my son, who proceeded to candidly explain his point of view on my parenting, our traditions, and his childhood based on his perception of what he saw around him. I had invited him to explain, and he did so in a way that reinforced the concepts the Bible speaks of, and what God has personally shown me (that coincide with His word) as solid foundational truths to his childhood. This was a great conversation at 16 years old (though he was thinking more like an 18-year-old at that point).

Simply trying to do your best means a lot to your children. When they become adults, they will be able to decipher between neglect, and inability. Especially if they grow up knowing you have functioned in sincerity toward them and their concerns. You can be a great father, you have been chosen to be one. Just try!

Meg Meeker, M.D., (Pediatric Medicine) in her book “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters,” when she is first addressing her audience, she lays out the truth of this concept:

Recommended Reading

“I have watched and listened to your daughters for many years and have heard what they say about you. I have talked to countless fathers. I have treated daughters and counseled families. I have read psychiatry texts, research papers, psychology journals, religious studies, and pediatric journals. Doing this has been my job. But I will tell you that no research paper, no textbook diagnosis, no instructions can begin to change a young girl’s life as dramatically as even a handful of interactions with her father. Nothing.”

Does that begin to help you understand what you have been chosen for? It’s a great calling, and the reality of it is, if sovereign God has given you a child (by your desire or not) He has called you to be a father!

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

“WE ARE MEN OF ACTION…”
So Dad… I challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and engage your child(ren) today! Find out their favorite food, and get it for them, play their favorite game with them, have them tell you the most amazing thing that happened to them this month, or discover what their dream vacation would be and start to plan.

You can do it! Just try, engage with them today on their level – what they like/want to do.