There was a great amount of time, in the elementary years of my children, that I simply was at a loss of how to train certain elements of my children’s character. When you get passed the early development: demonstration and instruction, there comes a time when you start desiring more complex concepts like wanting them to be responsible and diligent …but “how do I train that?” I wondered.
I happened upon the idea of using both concepts: “when they are right” to influence “when they’re wrong.” We’ve discussed the components separately, and in the last post, Doing the Motions, I briefly touched on using the following technique, but I thought I would outline the entire process for you – not as a recipe for specific times in your children’s lives, but as a pattern by which to parent.
OUTLINE:
USING “WHEN THEY’RE RIGHT, WHEN THEY’RE WRONG”
The following is a simple outline that can help you use this technique:
When They’re Right
- Make a big deal over how proud you are, and what a good job they did
- Specifically point out which pieces of your code of conduct, or character training system they have used
- Specifically point out “this is how adults exhibit ____”
- Tell them, “You are growing into the (wo)man God wants”so that…
When They’re Wrong (you can)
- Point out a disappointment that they are not doing what they’ve done before
- Make sure you tell them that you believe in them, and this is just a bump on their way to being a (wo)man of God
- Ask them to remember the ‘When They’re Right’ situation
- “What did you feel?” (from me (the parent); from others; inside)
- “What were you thinking about?” (goals; upcoming events; how people thought of you)
- “What was motivating you?” (sense of self-worth; making mom/dad proud; enjoyment of the activity)
- Encourage them that, “You can choose to feel those same things, and think those same things, and find motivation in this circumstance too. It’s a choice, and I believe that you can make the right one.”
I seem to be really good at the first part, but not as consistent at the second. I would imagine there are those who find the opposite to be true – being great at correlating one circumstance to another, but not making a big enough deal on the front end for their children to remember the circumstance to which they are referring. This technique works best when the positive reinforcement is laid on thick, so that when the correlation is made during a wrong situation they will remember.
I have used this many times, and though no technique is “kid-proof,” this has shown good results in helping my children understand, without setting an expectation that they don’t think they can achieve.