So you say, “O.k, I’ve got the positive reinforcement down. I don’t have a problem lifting them up when they make the right choices, but…” (and that’s a big but).
Kids don’t always make the right choices, do they? In fact, I can guarantee that you will deal more often with a child who has made a wrong choice, than you will with one who gets it right.
That’s why they have parents!
I think too often, in this “good parenting is positivity at all costs” society, we may get the positive feedback down when they do the right thing, but we don’t make a big deal out of mistakes (in some effort to save the child from feeling the reality of their actions). I truly believe that this can be a costly error. Please hear my heart. In no way am I advocating making them feel worse about a mistake than they already do, but ignoring and/or not addressing incorrect behavior will have a negative impact on the person that your children become. If we deal with small mistakes when they are small, there will be less big mistakes that will make us feel like we want to just throw our hands up with the whole thing. The way we make a big deal out of a small mistake has more to do with our mindset when doling out discipline, than causing an emotional response.
It may seem like no big deal when a child refuses to pick up a toy when specifically instructed to do so, but what happens in the mind of a child becomes an understanding that disobedience is acceptable. It may seem like no problem for your child to immediately hand their belongings to you when they want to go play, but in their mind, you are now the equivalent of their butler who is there to serve them whenever they demand it. So, when I say make a big deal over a mistake (or incorrect mindset), what I mean is that overlooking discipline in small things allows those small things to grow into big things that children think they can get away with. Usually what this leads to is a battle of the wills over what we feel we have the right to: my way – for the child, and respect – for the parent.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been talking to a parent at church, and their child is doing something inappropriate, but in an effort to respect our conversation they neglect to discipline the child. Personally, I would rather have to halt my conversation, and see the parent take care of their child, than to see the effects of the child “getting away” with something they know is wrong – or direct disobedience! At the same time, and sometimes in the same conversation, the child will come and intentionally interrupt with their own words. THIS is where I see it as appropriate to ignore the child, until proper etiquette is exhibited (or the parent excusing themselves to instruct the child only on the respect issue, and then making the child wait for his question).
Remember discipline is building a mind-set, or skill-set, aimed at a behavior, or ability, that benefits “the disciplined” in the end. We look at the discipline of Karate, or playing the violin as a good thing, but often when we think of disciplining our children it seems to become a bad word and we do our best to come up with an alternative to doing what needs to be done to bring about the discipline of a well-rounded child. Try not to do this, it’s better in the long run.