“My child has done something wrong! What do I do now? Do I make a big deal? I don’t really have any positive reinforcement to use according to this! What do I do?”
As we’ve talked about Big Deal Behavior we discussed making sure you praise your child(ren) when they do something right, and then the way positive reinforcement impacts the mind, but what if what they’ve done something that doesn’t have a history of correct behavior that can be used to “counteract” there current decision? Good question, especially if it’s already a pretty big deal.
There is some sensitivity to be had here, so do your best to know that there are times when the natural consequences, that have already occurred, are enough. When this is the case the “deal” is already big enough.
When my oldest son, Wesley, was 11 years old he was playing at his grandparents’ house with a tennis ball. He threw the ball against “that small amount of brick in between the garage doors,” and broke one of three outdoor light covers on the front of “Papa’s House.” The Lord was quite gracious to me in my attitude and tone, and gave me great inspiration to solve this problem. It wasn’t enough for him to say to Papa, ‘sorry, I’m a kid and this happens, thanks for paying for a replacement for what I broke.’ I told him that he was going to have to replace it. Which quickly sobered his young mind. We went onto the Lowe’s website and searched for a covering for this light that matched. We discovered that they were around $30 apiece. We then made the journey to the store and discovered that the color of the covering was white, and the old light that Wesley had broken, along with the other two, were faded from the sun. I decided that what was most appropriate and honoring to his grandfather would be to replace all three light covers so that they matched. Wesley could understand the logic, not only of fixing the problem and making the situation right, but of blessing his grandfather in the process. However, the look on his face when he realized that he needed to be responsible for buying these covers, and installing them was a sign to me that he truly was understanding the cost of his actions. It wrecked him. He didn’t have $100, even if he wanted to spend that kind of money.
Here is where principles and rules can (and should) bend. Wesley, honestly, and respectfully (I could see it in his eyes), asked if I could help him with this responsibility. I was quite pleased to see how this natural discipline had changed his attitude. I paid half (which was still painful for a boy of 11 with no regular income), because I had recognized that the big deal, that had already been made over this simple carelessness had reached his heart. And “Papa” was quite blessed in the process.
Oh, and by the way, “Papa” wasn’t going to require Wesley to take any responsibility, because he’s Grandpa, and Grandpas spoil – that’s what they do. However, I made it clear that this is how we were going to handle the situation; we were going to use it as a teaching moment. And in the end, “Papa” tongue-in-cheek said, “they look great, is there anything else Wesley wants to break!”
Boys in general don’t think about the consequences of their actions. The garage light lesson was a foundational step on the road to showing Wesley that everything that he does has an effect on other things, and people, around him.