My youngest daughter, who was 9 at the time, decided one night to empty the dishwasher without being asked!
Has this ever happened to you? Did you make a big deal out of it? Make your child feel like they won the lottery?
This leads to a concept that has been a BIG part of our parenting, especially in the early years. Making a BIG deal out of the child’s behavior… both when they are right, as well as when they are wrong.
When your child does something right. Lavish upon them positive feedback. Tell them what a great job they’ve done, tell them that you are proud of them. Tell them that this is the kind of decision/ability/thinking that an adult (or the specific kind of adult they aspire to be) makes/does/uses. Make a big deal of their progress, even if it’s only a step in the right direction.
So when my daughter did this, her mother and I showered her with praise (the reality was my wife had realized that we were having trouble specifically in the kitchen chores among all the kids), and I specifically told Lucy how proud I was of her and that she made a choice like an adult does – she saw the need and simply did what needed to be done. In response to the way we made a big deal out of her responsibility and diligence, Lucy continued to empty, and sometimes fill, the dishwasher for two weeks without being asked and it wasn’t even her chore! There were times when I would be sitting in the kitchen and catch a glimpse of her doing this task, and I could see on her face that there was pride in doing what needed to be done – because she felt like she was acting like an adult.
Children are wired for affirmation. But keep in mind that to a brain that is wired for affirmation, lack of feedback is negative feedback (I’m speaking from childhood experience here…). Children seek feedback from the adults, they look up to, in their lives. So, do your best to give them the greatest amount of honest, positive, feedback you can muster when they do, even the slightest thing, right! It goes a long way and it feels much more like you are on their side. And when you’re on their side, it’s amazing how their obedience skyrockets!